A Veteran with PTSD

Living with PTSD

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Now I am really on a soap box and I don’t give a shit who I piss off. You don’t like it tuff don’t read my blog any more.

You ask for your freedom.

You take it for granted

You say you support the troops and the veterans.

I asked you to do me a favor and post a video on how you help veterans or calling out for others to do more.

I have not seen one video besides the one my wife and daughter made.

You all are nothing but TALK. Not even talk typed words. Give me a break.

You didn’t ask me directly to join the military. I know so really you don’t owe me anything. But you take the freedom that many veterans before me have given you. You take it for granted. You act like no one had to do anything for it. They just gave it to you on a silver platter.

Well why don’t you go to your local VA hospital and look at the veterans there. Go to your local national cemetery and war memorial and see the graves or names carved on the plaque. You didn’t ask them either but they went and did a job a lot of you are scared to do.

You can give me all the excuses in the world you want too.

I went to college.

I was not old enough.

I have medical issues and they denied me.

I have a criminal background.

I didn’t pass the ASVAB test.

I tried but…….

They are all but nothing but excuses. That and $5 bucks might get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. It does not mean shit to me.

Where were you?

When soldiers were crying out in pain?

Where were you when they bleed to death on the battle field

Where were you when a veteran asked for your help?

Where were you when a veteran died because he could not get treatment?

Where were you when the homeless veteran starved to death because the soup kitchen closed because of lack of support and volunteers?

Where were you when the veteran missed his much needed medical appointment and could not make it because he didn’t have a ride and he killed himself?

Where were you!

You ask for freedom and it is granted. I asked for support and you turn your back yet at the same you say you support veterans?

Don’t give me lip service! I would rather you “man up” and say hey I can’t do that.

I have no respect for people who say they will do something and never follow through with it.

I never once said you had to appear in the video. I just asked you to make a video to show how you support veterans.

It makes me sad. Real sad that you were not there when I needed support.

Never give up

Keep fighting the fight

PTSD will not beat you, you will beat it.

God Bless.


I have been doing some thinking the past few days. PTSD sucks we can
all agree upon that. But one side effect I never thought about sucks
more than all the rest combined if you ask me. It hurts deep down
deeper than the bones. I cry every time I think about it, it hurts
that bad.

Not sure how many of you know but I am a daddy for the first time. My
first child was born Aug 11, 2014. To see her it lights up my world.
It is funny how something so small can just change your outlook on
life and the way you see things. But at the same time make you so
scared, scared like you have never been before.

I am scared to death to be home alone with her. I am scared to death
to hold her. Not because she is small and delicate and I don’t want to
hurt her. Or any of the other common reasons why people get nervous or
scared to hold a new born, I wish it was one of those reasons.

No, I am so scared to hold or be left alone with her because I am
afraid I will have a flash back or a nightmare while I am alone with
her. What happens then? No one is around to help her when she needs
it. No one is there to cover for me while I go through the hell of a
flash back. No one is there for her needs. No one is near to hear her
cry to answer it.

How can I be there for her when I am not there for myself? When I have
a flash back I am no use to myself let alone a helpless innocent
child. This hurts me in so many ways. I wish there was something I
could do to overcome this fear.

It not only affects my ability to hold my precious child. But it puts
even more strain on my wife. Because of this she is stuck looking
after the baby. She does not get time away and to herself because of
this. It is harder on her because she cannot go out and have her time
away to gather her thoughts and her ME time.

This is very unfair to her. I am so lucky to have the wife I do. She
is a strong trooper and powers through it all. She takes it all in
stride with no complaints or worries. I wish I could do more to help
her and allow her time to herself. It is just so hard to get past my
worries and fears.

She is amazing. I would not know what to do if I never found my wife.
I would not know how to face life without her. She is my saving grace.
Yet I cannot support her in this tough time because of my PTSD. I
never thought about something like this happening. I wish there was
some way to help her. I wish I could hold my daughter more. This hurts
so much, I wish there was a way around all this. I would love to hold
my daughter all day long, without the fear of flash backs.

PTSD is so crippling to me in this aspect. I can deal with most things
that come along with PTSD I can handle the nightmares, the little
sleep, the flashbacks and everything else. I just don’t know how to
handle something like this.

Well it has been a few days since I set a challenge for you all. To
make a video of how you support the veterans either by how you donate
your time to your local veterans organization or how you want to call
out to Washington to support the veterans more. I don’t want this to
be a political thing and bashing one party or another. I just want you
to show your support for the veterans and troops.

I have not seen one video by anyone doing this yet. It makes me wonder
if you all are all talk and no action. Yeah I said it! PROVE it to me
that I am wrong. You might call me an ass or whatever I really don’t
care. You might say you don’t need to prove jack to anyone. That is
fine by me, so be it. You can hide and say you do a lot, but the proof
of it is in your heart. Show everyone and call your friends out to do
the same.

The time you spend arguing with someone about a political belief you
could spend that time doing something, helping a veteran out.

Never give up!

Keep fighting PTSD!

Never give in!

You are strong!

Together we can help veterans!

Together we are strong and tell the world we support our Veterans.

God Bless!!!


Instagram= avetwithptsd

Twitter= avetwithptsd or avetwithptsd1

Facebook= https://www.facebook.com/avetwithptsd

YouTube= https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3n2h1_90lI

The link above is to the video my daughter “made” subscribe to the channel.

There are videos on the blog on how to upload videos and such. I am
not sure how to create a link to it. I will get my wonderful friend
that helps me out greatly with the blog and all the artwork and
computer stuff to help me out @TheBonfireMedia

I don’t care what your beliefs are. What political party you stand
behind or vote for.

As far as I am concerned all the politicians are nothing but lying
idiots that have their heads so far up their own rear it is not even
funny. They tell you what you want to hear but as soon as you leave
they will do as they please.

How is it fair that someone that plays with a ball makes more money
than someone who defends this country?

How is it fair that someone that sits in their safe office all day
long makes more than someone who is getting shot at?

How is it fair that someone does not do their job right and like they
should makes more money than someone who is hoping to make it home to
see their new born baby?

Over 25% of the American soldiers rely on food banks to feed their own
families. Yet you have some idiot officers telling congress that the
troops are ok without the pay raise and getting cuts in benefits and
pay. Well I would be too if I was a 3 star general making $9,000 a
month to sit in a comfy area and just blab my mouth away.

That is active duty members. I wish I could find a stat on how many
veterans do this. The last few adjustments to pay for veterans
benefits have not even come close to matching the increase in cost of

I know a lot of you have not had raises or even have a job and I am
truly sorry about that. But these are people that defend our country
or have defended it. Congress gets more of a pay raise each year than
the military and veterans. Why can’t it be the same for everyone? Why
not give the military and veterans the same raise as congress? Why the
double standard.

Here is an idea. Let’s build some barracks for the congress personnel
where they have to be in rooms with 4 other people, set up a chow hall
just like the military has nothing fancy don’t allow them to move
their family give them the same pay as……the enlisted ranks….so just
got elected to congress? Congrats you get the same pay as an E-1 and
you can move up just like they do.

I also think if they want medical care they should have to use the VA
medical centers just like the veterans have too and they don’t get any
kind of preference unless they qualify for it as a veteran. Let’s see
how quick things get changed then.

I am just so sick of hearing this political party is at fault and
stopping us from doing this or that. Stop making excuses put your
little petty differences aside be an adult and run this country for
the better. I don’t give two hoots what you personally think or feel.
Will it help the country is the only question you need to ask

Another thing that gets to me and I don’t understand, this is going
back a bit. Why does congress get involved in stuff like the MLB
steroid issue? What does that have anything to do with making this
country better? They make how much a year? If they want to use drugs
so be it, let them kill themselves, or if they are caught once using
ban them from MLB or whatever it maybe. Congress does not need to be
wasting time on this kind of stuff and there are no well it was only
once, none of this 3 or more times. One and done. Congress was not set
up to deal with this kind of stuff, nor should they even care about

As for the politicians saying one thing to get voted in and then going
on their own agenda, well I say the people should be able to rip them
out of office anytime they want, you have only been in office for 6
months and you voted against something that you said you were for, to
bad see ya later. None of this we have to deal with your lying fake
a$$ for the next 2-4 years.

Most of you have seen the ALS bucket challenge right? Well here is one
for you, I want people to make a video and post it on Facebook,
YouTube, Instagram, etc. calling your senator, congressman, mayor, who
ever out on their actions, then name 5 people who you want to see to
make a video and call people out, and to state why they don’t agree
with what they are doing. The video has to be 5min or less. Who is up
for this challenge?

If you want tag me in the video

Instagram= avetwithptsd

Twitter= avetwithptsd

Youtube= AvetwithPTSD is the channel name just started this so got to
fig out how to use it. I will try to get this up and running better as
time goes on.

Facebook= page name is avetwithptsd

If you want you can even show me how you help the Veterans, let it be
at a local shelter, or anything.





I will never give up!!!

Keep fighting the fight

We deserve to be heard!


Who actually thinks that number is correct? Who thinks it is just a number and don’t care?

When a celebrity takes their life or just dies it is all over the news and made a big deal of.

I just don’t understand why we praise people for making millions of dollars and we treat them like they are gods! I am talking about any actor, actress, football, baseball, and hockey anything. Yet we turn our backs on the ones who gave us the freedom to do pretty much as we please. We take everything for granted. The ones who give us everything we expect them to drop through hoops on fire to get something we promised them. Something they earned! Make it easy to get treatment? Hell no we can’t allow that, we need to make them earn it even more.

There is a new Secretary in charge of the VA system, let’s see if he actually does anything…..Here is an Idea for you Mr. Robert A McDonald, go to the VAMC as a john doe plain veteran and try and get treatment. I bet you will see how much of a pain in the ass it is to get an appt.

Why is it the senate and house of rep, president, etc can go to Bethesda Medical Center? Not even 1% of them are veterans or active duty military and deserve to go there. I bet when they call they get an appt right away, they don’t have to wait 30 plus days to be seen. Even the common citizen does not have to wait that long to be seen by the doctor. Hell people that never worked a day in their life don’t have to wait that long.

Yet one president made an oath at one time

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”

With the words, “To care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan,” President Lincoln affirmed the government’s obligation to care for those injured during the war and to provide for the families of those who perished on the battlefield.

They have this plaque outside the headquarters for the Dept. of Veteran’s Affairs. Maybe they need to read that each day they walk through any federal building in DC or any federal building. Because it seems like they totally have forgotten about this oath to the Veteran. Why not just take it down and melt the plaques it might be worth more that way. Because right now it means shit to the veteran.

We spend money to bail out some big ass companies so they can take their operations overseas!

We spend money and send it to “third world” countries.

We send relief aid to other countries which means more spending

We let our president go on god knows how many vacations a year spending millions for security and such.

Yet we can’t keep a dam promise to the people who gave up so much many gave up their lives for our FREEDOM!!!

Why is this?

Why the hell do we do this to our own people who have given so much.

We give money to drugies for welfair.

We give 3 warm meals, a cot to people who broke the law.

Yet we can’t make sure our Veterans are taken care of.

Stop blaming this and that party fault.

Or it is that persons fault.

STAND the hell up and scream at the top of your lungs!

SCREAM that you want the veterans taken care of FIRST!, before the prisoners, before the welfare, before the rich, before congress before anyone else.

Most people will say they care but let me help you out. Words don’t mean JACK SHIT to me anymore. SHOW ME!! Actions speak louder than words ever can.

I am just sick of people saying they support veterans yet they don’t do anything to help them. I walk with Hero and his vest says disabled veteran on it. You know how many people come up and thank me? Since I got the vest about 3months ago I will say I have had maybe if I am lucky 5 people say thank you to me.

Most other just stares and look at Hero or call attention to him. It makes me so sick when people do that yet they can’t take the time to say thank you. I dare the next person to point out Hero to a bunch of people. You wait and see what I do to them.

I am one pissed off Veteran right now. Sick of people of nothing but talk! Sick and tired of people take things for granted. Sick and tired of slackers.

I am going to start calling people out on their bullshit. I don’t care who’s feelings I hurt or what happens to me. So I dare someone tell me they support veterans….congrats those are just words anyone can speak. SHOW ME!!! Oh you wear red on Fridays…what does that do? You thank a veteran or what not! WHAT DOES THAT DO??? Not a dam thing. Show me you support us. Show me you are tired of veterans being treated worse than 3rd world countries. What are you going to do TODAY to show your support? What will you do TOMORROW? What will you do next week, next month so on and so on.

I go through hell every day because I LOVE my country that I put my life on the line. Only something like 5% of Americans does that. The other 95% needs to stand the heck up and support us.

Show me you care about the 22plus veterans that take their own life every day.

Where were you when I was lying on a battlefield bleeding with no help around? In your nice comfy bed? Out on the town having fun? Kissing your child goodnight?

Where were you when I held my best friend as he took his last breath? At the movies? Playing golf? Watching TV?

Where were you when bullets were flying all around? At a steakhouse? Playing with your kids? Showing off your new car?

Where were you when I was laying in the sand no sleep for days on end trying to get 1 hour of sleep before the next mission? Having a drink? Fooling around with your significant other? Crying over spilled milk?









Some of you might not know this but some might forget if I told you all. I went and got a knee surgery done just micro thing nothing big deal and all. Well I was checked in and you know how they take you to the prep area to get your IV started and past medical history.

The nurse asked me what meds I was on. So I rattled off my list and told her what it was for. PTSD. Well about 5 min later she made a comment that sent me on the edge. “I might get ptsd soon because of this computer system”. Well I didn’t go off on her because the anasteologist was there and he gave me some med to help me relax.
Let just say if he was not their I might be in jail for chew the hell out of a NURSE for saying something that I took as being very Insensitive from a health professional like her.
Why do people try to joke about this shit?
I would not even wish this on my worst enemy. Not even a quarter of it. Or one zillion of it.
It is living freaking hell.
These past few weeks have been living hell Aug 1 was 11 years now since my life got tore upside down and never got back together.
They say I just got back from war. Well I am not sure if all of me ever came back from war. I hope one day it might. But until then I will keep pushing and trying to make the best out of each and everyday.
Each day I pray a little part of me comes back. Some days it feels like it does, other days well it feels like I am still all there, the thoughts, pics, memories, etc seem so real and it is hard to draw yourself back.
I wish I could take anyone pain away who suffers from PTSD and give it to myself so they don’t have to suffer.
I just know how bad it sucks and don’t want anyone else to have to go through the pain.
If anyone is wondering what hospital this happened at it is near Winston Salem and it is called Novant Health systems. I will be calling about his nurse tomorrow and will never ever step foot in any of their places again. Even if I am dying I will never give them the pleasure of working or helping me out.
They need to send everyone to classes and how to be more sensitive.
Wonder if I can start a business and offering this type of class, ah forget it I would tell to many people off and I don’t like being around a lot of people.
Maybe I should call all the local news and report the nurse that way.
Maybe I should just let it go.
I really am not sure what to do.
What are your thoughts?

I am still waiting for people to send me ideas and pics about the tattoo I want.
I want American flag with the pledge in it some how on the center of my chest. Come on I know some of you can draw or something.

Keep fighting
Don’t ever give up
PTSD sucks! But suicide sucks even more!!!
Never give in
Hang in there
Together we can teach, and make this place a better place for others with PTSD, but I need your help!
Hang in there.
God bless!

What is life? As many of you know this is the roughest time of year for me. This is around the time when I got injured. Everything seems to be 100 times worse. I try so hard to look at the positive side of things and keep looking forward with no avail. The memories come hunting back no matter how hard I try to push them out of my mind.

It is like all times stops and you keep living that same moment over and over. It is like the movie ground hog day but you can’t change anything about it. It just plays over and over in your head.

Why does it keep playing over and over?

What made this stick in my mind so much?

Why can’t we do something about it? Yes there are lots of things out there that have helped some people “get over” their traumatic events, but I have been at this for 11 years now. Been to a lot of doctors that said they could help.

I have made a lot of doctors cry, I have made a lot of them scared, I have made some where they give me some reason why they “can’t see me anymore”. It is funny how they come up with some lame brain excuse to getting out of treating you. Why don’t they just be honest and say there is no help for you. Or you scare me to death.

It is funny how by raising your voice or something they get scared. Most of the time I am not raising it at them, it is just what we are talking about gets me upset or agitated. What I find funny is there are times when I don’t want to talk about something and I can get them off track so easy. Do they not teach you how to control your person while in school? Maybe I should start a school that teaches them how to control the situation and better help the person.

Here are a few hints if you are a counselor

1. Never EVER tell the person you know how they feel.
2. Never lie to the person because the truth will come out and there goes that bond.
3. Be real
4. If you want the person to open up to you, you have to be willing to open up to them also. I am not saying give them your whole life story but small details is a way for them to relate to you. Your schooling, your family, hobbies etc. So they can try and relate to you
5. Don’t be doing other stuff on their time with you. This is your “bonding time” not your time to check email, take personal calls etc.

What went wrong with me? Why is it some people can see worse stuff but don’t come back messed up? I wish I understood the mind better to come up with a solution to this problem. Is there a fix out there for this? Or is it something we will never understand. Short of erasing the persons mind can it be fixed? Even if we had a way to erase the persons mind would that fix the issue or would the neurons still come back together to have this memory. When they are slowly retrained to do stuff again?

When someone has a car accident or whatever it maybe where they have to relearn everything even how to write their own name and walk again, do they have memories of the tragic event? Does it come back with time just like everything else does?

Maybe I missed my calling; maybe I should get a degree in neurological research. Well we all know I am not smart enough for that, or the patients to go through all that training.

If we could figure out how the mind stores things and codes memories we could do a lot of things.

Does it store them chemically?

How does it go and grab a memory and transported into thoughts?

I just don’t understand how do we know for sure which part of the brain does what, yeah we can hook electrodes up to our skull and see the activity, but does that really mean it is in that area? Or is that just what we want to see and believe.

What would happen if we made a drug and blocked off part of the brain or numbed it, would another part of the brain notice this and pick up the slack for that area?

Yeah we have drugs that block this and that and push more of this chemical into the system. We can run blood tests to see how much of this and that are in our blood, but who says it is being picked up by the proper system and not just being flushed out of the system?

I could go on and on about me wondering and questioning this stuff but you are probably already bored and stopped reading so I will end it here.

Keep pushing forward.

Don’t give up!

One step at a time.

You can do this!

You will win!

What do an inmate and a Homeless veteran have in common?

What do an illegal immigrant and a homeless veteran have in common?

Here is your answer. Not a darn thing!

Inmates get 3 meals a day.

Illegal immigrants get Federal or state aid.

Inmates get time in the outdoors….oh shoot so does the homeless veteran but not by choice most of the time.

Illegal immigrants get to roam free…….dang it so do homeless veterans

Inmates get a roof over their head supplied by the state or federal government

Illegal immigrants get a roof over their head also supplied by the same people.

Homeless veterans might get a tree that the state or federal government planted to get out of the weather.

Why do we give better care to the inmates and illegal immigrants then we do to men and women who served our country?

Yes there are a few veterans if you want to call them that got dishonorably discharged and are homeless and I think they deserve that. But there are many out there who are homeless because they feel like they cannot trust the federal government, or they are so lost and don’t know which way is up and which is down from PTSD or other issues that have happened in their life.

I think we should make inmates earn everything they have. They want a bed, work and buy one. Want sheets work and buy them. Want rec time work and buy it. Want food work and buy it. They can do a ton of things to help the area out where they are being kept. Let’s see paint over the graffiti, mow grass, pick up trash, clean liens for state run places for the elderly, children etc. , grow food for themselves and also to sell to recover costs, pick fruit and vegetables on a farmers land so he does not have to deal with illegal immigrants (kills to two with one stone) . I can keep going on and on but I think you get the point.

I know what you are thinking what about the dangerous ones…..simple build a place (built by inmates) in the outer most part of Alaska….that way if they run, well most likely they will freeze to death before they make it anywhere.

Now for the illegal immigrants, well let’s see how about we build a 100 ft. wall 50ft above ground and 50ft below with land mines and such around it (guess what you know it, again built by the inmates) and ship all of the ones we can find back to their home countries. As for the ones crossing over on boats, shoot and sink the boat. I know heartless right; well I think people will stop trying after a few boats go down.

I am part Native American and part European. Both sides of my heritage came here legally, we didn’t sneak under the cover of darkness, we went to a little island and signed in, the other half walked many thousands of miles thousands of years ago over rough terrain.

So don’t even try saying that people came here illegal. I know the Europeans took a lot and were not fair to the Native Americans, but that was many years ago when people really didn’t know better for lack of better terms.

A lot of drugs and other illegal activity is not done by a legal American, a lot of drugs and such are brought here by them as well. How about they go back and take their country back from whoever is controlling it. I am sick and tired of pressing one for English. We never had that before, you don’t see people having to press 2 for French, 3 for German, 4 for Russian, 5 for Italian etc. no you don’t so why should I have to push 1 in my own country.

Make them a deal, if they are clean (no criminal background or gang affiliate) and can speak or learn English real quick they do 10 good clean years in the military and they can become a US citizen, they mess up one small bit and back to their home country.


Well some of you might have gotten lost in the point I was trying to make yesterday. American pride has NOTHING to do with race, political party, gender, president or anything but the USA. I don’t care who is president or what. You think a 10 year knows about political stuff? I am sure some might but not the majority of them. They get their views and beliefs from their guardian. When their GUARDIAN has no respect for this country neither will the children or younger generation.

I put full blame on myself and fellow adults. We need to stand up and start caring about our actions and beliefs. It is a shame when I walk down a street and see kids running around at 10 o’clock at night; I am saying these kids could not be any older than 10 or so. Where are these kids’ guardians? Yes, I do realize some people have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet, but the child should still have someone watching them and looking after them at all times.

Where the parents of the kids that did were last night’s drive by? And the kid that got killed what was he doing out so late?

We need to get the kids off the streets, away from the TV or game system and start being there for the children.

Case in point, 4th of July, How many of you went to a fireworks display?

Now how many of you went to a War memorial?

How many of you went to an historical place in the last year with your kids? It could have been a local, state, national or what not.

How many of you pushed your kids out the front door and went and played outside with them this week?

How many of you sat down with your child with no distractions and talk about their day?

How many of you had a family dinner with your WHOLE family like your parents use to do? And I don’t mean take out or anything along those lines.

No I don’t have children of my own just yet. The WIFE is due in August. But I do plan on putting my child’s needs and education first before anything. Even if I have to quit my job, I will find a way to make things work.

I just strongly feel we:

1. Need to tech our kids wholesome basic things
a. Believe in this country
b. Honesty
c. Integrity
d. Selfless service
2. We need to stop arguing amongst ourselves and band together and get this country back on track.

I don’t care if you believe in small, large, medium, or what not government or any other crazy stuff that might keep you apart from grabbing your neighbors hands and uniting as one. It is time to put our pride aside and band together. Before it is to late! Before there is nothing left. We need to bring the jobs back to the USA; we need to stop this whole free trade B.S why we get taxed like crazy on our exports. Do you know we can grow, dig, up, make, manufacture everything we need! We are the only country in the world I think that does not have to important anything from another country. We need to become more self-sufficient.

Why should we export say chicken to send to china just so they make it into chicken nuggets and sell it back to us at 50times what we sold it to them for? Why can’t we make them here?

Why should we trade cotton to Indonesia so they can make clothes and sell them back to us again 100 times more then what we sold it to them for?

I can go on and on, but I think you get the point.

We have the infurstruture to do what we want and need with it.

Why increase minimum wage when the prices of everything else will just go up?

Why not dig our own oil, make our own fuel, research new things, build what we have to! And tell the rest of the world to kiss our rears. They have an issue with this they can go to the complaint department which just happens to be at the end of a barrel of some weapon.

Heck I think if we stopped all foreign aid we could pay all our debts back in no time. I am not that big into political stuff, I just don’t understand why we help other countries out so much. What do we get in return? What will happen to these countries if we stop all Aid to them? Call me selfish or stupid or anything you want…but to be honest I really could care less what happens to them. If they have an issue tell them to see the complaint department!

I am on a soak box and I don’t care if you disagree with me or not. I am just stating my own opinion. If you don’t like it, maybe you should go see the complaint department why you are at it.


Ok someone help me out here. I struggled with a kickstart program to get enough money to get a PTSD service dog. I begged and pleaded and did everything I could to get $20,000. Now some idiot creates one for a cooler and has raised over 5million dollars. Does this mean people give a shit more about having a cold drink then they care about their own veterans? The people that gave them the freedom, to go to the beach, to play outside, to feel safe and everything.

I just don’t understand people say they are all for the veteran and support the veteran but when we look for help we get looked down upon. Yes, I know there are fakes out their either saying they were in and they never were, or they using and abusing the veteran status.

I just find it hard to believe that people will go out of their way to support a cooler and not support a veteran. I just don’t understand how people think. I just don’t get why they will support someone who needs to pay for surgery for their dog but not support a veteran. Or they support some hippy so he can slack off and do his “art” work.

Oh I see why people are pledging now….for a mere $285 you get a cooler anywhere in the world. WTF!! Who is spending that much on a cooler I don’t care what it can do. That is just crazy.

I am not sure what is going through my head right now. I just don’t seem to understand some people lately.

I am tired of hearing people in DC saying they support the veteran and nothing gets done. I am sick of hearing just general people saying they support the veteran yet they turn the backs. They don’t stand up when the flag passes by in a parade, they don’t stand up when a veteran is being discriminated against, they scream at the top of their lungs saying they are red white and blue to the core. Yet these are some of the same people who will take their business overseas to save a penny. These are the same people who will buy something made in china over spending the $2 to buy the American made product.

I do everything I can to buy American made….trust me I drive the wife nuts looking for clothes that are made here. So now she don’t take me shopping she just says hear wear this. Ok, maybe it is because she knows I hate crowds and such.

We need to get pride back in the USA and forget about how to make a quick easy buck or how to save one. We need to remember the old American way. How we made things to last, how our standards exceed anyone else. How we can count on our product not to be covered in lead paint, or made by someone in a sweat shop.

We need to put a high tax on companies that send their stuff overseas to be made, we need to tax the hell out of imported stuff. Let them tax us back, I don’t care. It means then the price of their products will go up and the American made stuff will be cheaper. I don’t like this free trade bull. Why is it we important more then we export. We need that changed around.

I am a chevy fan, but I will not buy one that was made in Mexico or anywhere else. I don’t think we should bail companies out that have less than 75% of their product etc being made here in the USA.

I can do without my TV, car, cell phone, whatever it may be until they start making it here in the USA. I want to see this country get back to where we had things made here, people didn’t mess with us, and we took care of our own.

Speaking of taking care of our own. I was watching TV last night and saw this commercial about starving kids over in some land, and a bunch of celebrities were supporting it. Did they not open their own back door and see the starving, homeless, single parent, or what not right here in the USA!!!

Why do we support all these other countries with foreign aid and help them when they have a natural disaster when we are so in debt. We need to cut off the foreign aid lock up the boarders, secure and help our own people before we help others.

We need to start a campaign grass roots. USA first! Homeland is better than other land. I don’t know but we need to start here.

Oh I am still waiting for you all to help me with my first and only tattoo. I want the American flag and the pledge of allegiance on my chest. Send your design to avetwithptsd@gmail.com

I am not sure if this is my PTSD, my personality or what. It really ticks me off when someone has a job to do and they don’t do it. They slack off. What is worse is when they blow you off and tell you that they have it taken care of. When actually they don’t, it really drives me up the wall and makes me not only have to do my job but to follow up all the time to make sure they do theirs, or even worse when they don’t do it at all you have to try to make things right after the fact.

I come to work and give 100% on the job at hand. I do my best to not have down time, slack off or something. I just don’t understand how people can accept a pay check when they know they didn’t deserve the full thing because they didn’t give 100% effort they were supposed to work 8 hours and actually only spent 3 or so hours doing what they were supposed to do. Instead they would rather goof off.

Maybe it is just me, I like to have things planned out, don’t wait till the last minute to get things done. When I do something I try to give all information up front to someone. I hate it when people come back to you and say well now we need this and this, or you give them something and they wait a week to tell you it is not good enough. Why could you not tell me this 5min after you got the information?

I don’t mean to come off as someone who thinks they are always a priority, or you should drop everything you are doing and wait on me. I just think timely fashion to do things should be put in place. I have to travel away for a month come in a few days for work. This whole last minute we need this and that from me is driving me nuts.

It stresses me out! Then they want to tell me I have to change room’s right in the middle of my stay? What the hell! Get me to a hotel where I don’t have to change rooms. Why would you up root someone right in the middle of their stay? That is just crazy, and here is another tip. What adult can fit in a double bed? Not this one. I am a little taller than your average person. Let alone I need room for Hero and all his stuff, bed, toys, water and food bowl etc. Why you going to try and cram us into a small room. You knew all this when you booked the room.

I guess they don’t want me to get any sleep while I am away, because it will take me awhile to adjust where I can even attempt to sleep. Then right about the time it is semi normal to me, you go and change everything on me. That is just crazy!

I wish we had it where if you didn’t do your job and only did the minimum work or slacked off we could let you go. Instead of this whole well first you got to document this and that, and then do this, then progress up to the next step. Why not just say look you suck, you slack off, there is the door have a good day. Oh wait we can’t because people are sue crazy, and then they want this and that because you did that to them. Well if you did your job right you would still have it. Just think how productive people would be if they knew they could lose their job on any day.

Maybe it is me. I know I have very high standards for myself; I push myself to the max. I want to be the best. I get pissed off at myself when I make mistakes. I believe if you make a mistake bad things can happen. You need to do your best no matter what. No excuses for anything. Push harder when you think you can’t push any more. No such thing as you can’t do it, no such thing as you can’t achieve it. You just need to dig deeper and keep pushing until you reach that goal. When you have pushed all you can and about ready to pass out, push more. Never give into the thought you can’t make your goal. I don’t care what goal it is. Some goals you just have to push harder and longer to get.

Don’t give in!

Never give up!

Don’t stop fighting for what you want!

Most people think that if you have posttraumatic stress you are looney, don’t know anything, crazy, unstable, and a zillion other things.

They might be right when they say those things, because most people don’t spend time in our heads, don’t see us 24hours a day. They see us just for a small part of the time. They don’t see everything running around in our head. They just want to put a label on us. Everyone gets labeled at one point or time in their life; let it be good or bad. But, for some reason people think we deserve one of those bad labels. If they only knew the truth about us and what goes through our minds.

For some people they can shut their mind down and relax, I can’t do that.

For some people they can look at everything and see the good, I can’t do that.

For some people they can go outside without being nervous, I can’t do that.

Some people can go out to dinner without looking for every exit, I can’t do that.

Many people can watch a movie about a war, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can drive down the road without a care what’s around them, I can’t do that.

Lots and Lots of people can take freedom for granted, I can’t do that.

Many people don’t worry about the small things, I can’t do that.

Many people go to bed without checking their locks and making sure things are secure, I can’t do that.

Some people can drive over something in the road and not think twice, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can go to a fireworks display and enjoy it, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can hear a bang and not think anything of it, I can’t do that.

I could go on all day with this this but I think you get the point. That person you labeled crazy, unstable, etc. Well maybe they are not just like you, maybe they look at things different, maybe they have the look on their face like no one is home, if you think about it, you are right, we are unstable, because we are always on our toes, we are not home, we never made it fully back from war. Part of us may never be home again. Part of us, will always be away. I wish all of me made it home, but it didn’t.

I will say even with everything, I am proud I was given the chance to serve my great country. I signed my name to the dotted line and said this country can have my life if need be, well it only took part of my mind instead. I do my best to be ok with that.

Until you walk in the shoes of the other person why pass judgment on them? Maybe you would be the same way if you had to go through what they went through. Why not support them and help them through the rough times instead of passing judgment. There is only one person who can pass judgment and they are not here on earth. It is the heavenly father, Jesus Christ.

To the ones who are out there trying to make it in life. You are not alone.

You can get through the next minute and the next one after that.

Don’t give in. The battle in your head is nothing compared to what you went through.

Stay strong.

Don’t give up!

Keep fighting the fight!!!

Don’t let this beat you!!!!

Stand tall and be proud of everything you have done!!!

You are special, who gives a shit what others think about you!


As I walk through this valley called life I wonder to myself if I will ever make it out the other side without taking my own life. Each day is a struggle for me to try and not think about taking my own life. The pain is so deep and seems never ending. I try to think of all the good times and good things. It just seems like it is never enough to take over the bad side of things.

A few days ago I got on my knees and prayed to god to forgive me for my sins, and to help me through this pain. I told him there is no way I can handle all this stuff and all the pressure and pain. I told him I think he picked the wrong person for this mission and whatever he has in store for me. I am all out of energy. There is no way I can keep going, the tank is empty. I asked him to take me, to allow me to come to him on his own terms, to allow me to come to his kingdom. I asked him to do this before I end it on my own terms, the tank of energy is empty, I cannot take the pain, the thoughts of worthlessness, not having any self-esteem the thinking I am worthless, that people would be better without me in their life.

I am running but my legs are wearing out, I am running out of fear because if the thoughts catch me I am not sure if I can beat them back down. I think it will overwhelm me, it will consume every last little bit of hope I have.

There is no place for me to turn for help. I am tired of the medications. I am tired of talking to someone and hearing the same shit over and over. Breathing does not help. How can I manage my breathing when I can barely catch my breath, I am struggling with just trying to get enough oxygen into my body so I won’t pass out. I am struggling with trying to get the images out of my mind, let alone being able to think about slow breathing and everything else that is going on. Do these people ever try this stuff that they are spilling out? Have they experienced the flash backs, the nightmares, the waking up drenched in your own sweat, the times when you can barely see straight because the pain has taken over and all you can do is crawl up in a ball and cry and beg for it to stop. The shaking so bad you cannot do anything not even pick up a glass to help with the massive dry mouth you have, or get out of bed so your wife can sleep so you don’t wake her up.

A piece of paper on the wall don’t mean jack to me. To me it is not even worth the paper and ink used to print it out on. You hear all about these famous people in the physiatrist field. Too bad most of them are from the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. Why don’t they come up with newer stuff and stop relying on medicine. I think if this all keeps up the only thing I will be able to do is sit in a chair and drool all over myself. Can’t wait for that to happen, I am not going to let it happen. I would rather end my life with dignity then to allow that.

When I got up off my knees, I stood there and wondered if god was listing to me, if he still cared about me or was I to far gone. About 5minuts later, I felt something come over me, it was not fast, it was a slow cooling effect, yet for some reason I started to sweat out of the blue. I then started to get more energy, and the desire to keep pushing through everything. Too not give in to any temptations that may divert me from the path set before me.

To not give in.

To never give up.

To keep trying.

I didn’t feel like I was walking alone anymore.

Never give up, keep fighting, don’t get defeated.

Morning, how are we all doing?

Ok I need to get something off my chest. I am sick and tired of some of the stuff that is going on out there right now.

Do I care if Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl made it home safe? Hell no, he is a traitor and should be treated like one. No I was not their or served with him. But when you have multi people who served with him and where there come out and say this, I tend to believe them over others. Why would your father speak gibberish on the white house lawn….he didn’t shave his beard like he said he was going to yet either. I am fairly young so correct me if I am wrong. Did we ever trade 5 people for 1 ever before? Did we allow people to speak on the white house lawn before? It is total bull, if you ask me and he needs to be watched like a hawk.

The stuff going on with the VA hospitals. It is a total disgrace what they did. I think more heads should roll over this issue then the ones that already have. I say fire the whole dang cabinet of the Dept. of Veterans Affairs along with a lot of the heads that run the hospitals and benefits center. Just because they work for the federal govt does not mean they should be able to get away with this kind of action. If they worked in a pvt hospital and did this stuff they would be fired at the drop of a dime. No questions asked. We need more hospitals, clinics, doctors, etc. and we cannot get that without the funding….and well someone speaks a lot like they care about veterans yet that is all it is just flat out talk no real action. I am sick of people in DC all they do is talk, let’s have action dang it. This is just total bull, more veterans coming out of service means more veterans which means we need the support and funding to help them with all the issues coming out of the past wars and current wars.

As for the up roar in Iraq, well this is what happens when you exit something too early and don’t have the infrastructure, people, etc. in place. When someone tells you that have many years of experience running a military and others that have a background in infrastructure and such saying now is not a good time to pull out. Maybe you should listen to them and stop being an arrogant idiot. I would gladly go back there and stay as long as needed to get it set up right. As long as my hands were not tied behind my back by a bunch of political idiots. I am sorry to say, the general public don’t need to know firsthand or anything along those lines what the military is doing, who is where, or what the mission is. All they need to know is we have people here or there. They don’t need to know the units, the number of people or anything along those lines. They just need to know they are doing their job to keep America safe, period nothing more.

I think we need to stop playing political bull and go where ever we need to go to take care and knock the whole terrorist out. If this means bombing Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan etc it does not bother me. As long as we are doing everything we can to keep America safe and sound. As for Iraq well I think they owe us a lot of oil free of charge, when we go into a country and pay for everything that is not right they need to fork over some money or something. We are doing them a favor also by getting rid of the idiots that rule them. So they should be thankful for what we do.

I will write more later what really got me fired up this morning. I just got to grasp it a little better. Stay tuned.


How was everyone’s weekend?

Well it is a nice day out. Already 70 degrees outside, supposed to get up to 90degrees today. So be sure to drink lots of water even if you are in a nice cool building.

Most of you know I am a country boy through and through, like my Budweiser, NASCAR and country music. Well I was going through youtube the other day and came across a song that inspired todays post. It normally would not be my type but I like it.


So many people go through the day and take it for face value on when someone says they are ok. Nothing wrong with them, they are handling everything ok. Well here is a hint…truth is I say that a lot and 60-80% of the time it is not the truth. Inside I am screaming trying to figure everything out.

Everything rushing through my head, the thoughts the dreams, the flash backs. It is a lot to handle and take in. But this post is not about me. I want to help you all help others and so you know what to look for.

What are the signs of PTSD?


That is a good start if people don’t know what is going on with them. This just sucks going through these things alone. Having someone there to support you when you have to deal with everything makes things a lot easier.


Now comes to a very important part. Yeah we know Joe or Suzie Veteran has PTSD. What should we look for if we think they are on the ledge and going to commit suicide?

Suicide Warning Signs

Talking about suicide

Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”

Seeking out lethal means

Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.

Preoccupation with death

Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.

No hope for the future

Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.

Self-loathing, self-hatred

Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).

Getting affairs in order

Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.

Saying goodbye

Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.

Withdrawing from others

Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.

Self-destructive behavior

Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”

Sudden sense of calm

A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.



I wish I could say this is an all-inclusive list and things to do. But there is no such thing. Don’t ever let a veteran feel alone. Be there for them through the thick and thin.

If you want to hear more music by solider hard please check his page out.


He has some good music.

Have a good day!

May god walk with you in the rough times

Well Hero is back in surgery right now. I hope this helps him feel better. He is such a trooper. He didn’t act like he was in pain or anything but the dr says his prostate was very enlarged. But didn’t feel like it was cancer which is good.
Now it is time for me to wait and wait. Till he comes back to the world after surgery.
It has been only a few months that I have had him with me but he means a lot to me. I count on him to help me and look out for me. He is my eyes and ears to make sure things are ok around us. He helps me off the ledge when I don’t want to be here.
I will keep everyone updated as much as I can.

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