A Veteran with PTSD

Living with PTSD

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What do an inmate and a Homeless veteran have in common?

What do an illegal immigrant and a homeless veteran have in common?

Here is your answer. Not a darn thing!

Inmates get 3 meals a day.

Illegal immigrants get Federal or state aid.

Inmates get time in the outdoors….oh shoot so does the homeless veteran but not by choice most of the time.

Illegal immigrants get to roam free…….dang it so do homeless veterans

Inmates get a roof over their head supplied by the state or federal government

Illegal immigrants get a roof over their head also supplied by the same people.

Homeless veterans might get a tree that the state or federal government planted to get out of the weather.

Why do we give better care to the inmates and illegal immigrants then we do to men and women who served our country?

Yes there are a few veterans if you want to call them that got dishonorably discharged and are homeless and I think they deserve that. But there are many out there who are homeless because they feel like they cannot trust the federal government, or they are so lost and don’t know which way is up and which is down from PTSD or other issues that have happened in their life.

I think we should make inmates earn everything they have. They want a bed, work and buy one. Want sheets work and buy them. Want rec time work and buy it. Want food work and buy it. They can do a ton of things to help the area out where they are being kept. Let’s see paint over the graffiti, mow grass, pick up trash, clean liens for state run places for the elderly, children etc. , grow food for themselves and also to sell to recover costs, pick fruit and vegetables on a farmers land so he does not have to deal with illegal immigrants (kills to two with one stone) . I can keep going on and on but I think you get the point.

I know what you are thinking what about the dangerous ones…..simple build a place (built by inmates) in the outer most part of Alaska….that way if they run, well most likely they will freeze to death before they make it anywhere.

Now for the illegal immigrants, well let’s see how about we build a 100 ft. wall 50ft above ground and 50ft below with land mines and such around it (guess what you know it, again built by the inmates) and ship all of the ones we can find back to their home countries. As for the ones crossing over on boats, shoot and sink the boat. I know heartless right; well I think people will stop trying after a few boats go down.

I am part Native American and part European. Both sides of my heritage came here legally, we didn’t sneak under the cover of darkness, we went to a little island and signed in, the other half walked many thousands of miles thousands of years ago over rough terrain.

So don’t even try saying that people came here illegal. I know the Europeans took a lot and were not fair to the Native Americans, but that was many years ago when people really didn’t know better for lack of better terms.

A lot of drugs and other illegal activity is not done by a legal American, a lot of drugs and such are brought here by them as well. How about they go back and take their country back from whoever is controlling it. I am sick and tired of pressing one for English. We never had that before, you don’t see people having to press 2 for French, 3 for German, 4 for Russian, 5 for Italian etc. no you don’t so why should I have to push 1 in my own country.

Make them a deal, if they are clean (no criminal background or gang affiliate) and can speak or learn English real quick they do 10 good clean years in the military and they can become a US citizen, they mess up one small bit and back to their home country.


Well some of you might have gotten lost in the point I was trying to make yesterday. American pride has NOTHING to do with race, political party, gender, president or anything but the USA. I don’t care who is president or what. You think a 10 year knows about political stuff? I am sure some might but not the majority of them. They get their views and beliefs from their guardian. When their GUARDIAN has no respect for this country neither will the children or younger generation.

I put full blame on myself and fellow adults. We need to stand up and start caring about our actions and beliefs. It is a shame when I walk down a street and see kids running around at 10 o’clock at night; I am saying these kids could not be any older than 10 or so. Where are these kids’ guardians? Yes, I do realize some people have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet, but the child should still have someone watching them and looking after them at all times.

Where the parents of the kids that did were last night’s drive by? And the kid that got killed what was he doing out so late?

We need to get the kids off the streets, away from the TV or game system and start being there for the children.

Case in point, 4th of July, How many of you went to a fireworks display?

Now how many of you went to a War memorial?

How many of you went to an historical place in the last year with your kids? It could have been a local, state, national or what not.

How many of you pushed your kids out the front door and went and played outside with them this week?

How many of you sat down with your child with no distractions and talk about their day?

How many of you had a family dinner with your WHOLE family like your parents use to do? And I don’t mean take out or anything along those lines.

No I don’t have children of my own just yet. The WIFE is due in August. But I do plan on putting my child’s needs and education first before anything. Even if I have to quit my job, I will find a way to make things work.

I just strongly feel we:

1. Need to tech our kids wholesome basic things
a. Believe in this country
b. Honesty
c. Integrity
d. Selfless service
2. We need to stop arguing amongst ourselves and band together and get this country back on track.

I don’t care if you believe in small, large, medium, or what not government or any other crazy stuff that might keep you apart from grabbing your neighbors hands and uniting as one. It is time to put our pride aside and band together. Before it is to late! Before there is nothing left. We need to bring the jobs back to the USA; we need to stop this whole free trade B.S why we get taxed like crazy on our exports. Do you know we can grow, dig, up, make, manufacture everything we need! We are the only country in the world I think that does not have to important anything from another country. We need to become more self-sufficient.

Why should we export say chicken to send to china just so they make it into chicken nuggets and sell it back to us at 50times what we sold it to them for? Why can’t we make them here?

Why should we trade cotton to Indonesia so they can make clothes and sell them back to us again 100 times more then what we sold it to them for?

I can go on and on, but I think you get the point.

We have the infurstruture to do what we want and need with it.

Why increase minimum wage when the prices of everything else will just go up?

Why not dig our own oil, make our own fuel, research new things, build what we have to! And tell the rest of the world to kiss our rears. They have an issue with this they can go to the complaint department which just happens to be at the end of a barrel of some weapon.

Heck I think if we stopped all foreign aid we could pay all our debts back in no time. I am not that big into political stuff, I just don’t understand why we help other countries out so much. What do we get in return? What will happen to these countries if we stop all Aid to them? Call me selfish or stupid or anything you want…but to be honest I really could care less what happens to them. If they have an issue tell them to see the complaint department!

I am on a soak box and I don’t care if you disagree with me or not. I am just stating my own opinion. If you don’t like it, maybe you should go see the complaint department why you are at it.


Ok someone help me out here. I struggled with a kickstart program to get enough money to get a PTSD service dog. I begged and pleaded and did everything I could to get $20,000. Now some idiot creates one for a cooler and has raised over 5million dollars. Does this mean people give a shit more about having a cold drink then they care about their own veterans? The people that gave them the freedom, to go to the beach, to play outside, to feel safe and everything.

I just don’t understand people say they are all for the veteran and support the veteran but when we look for help we get looked down upon. Yes, I know there are fakes out their either saying they were in and they never were, or they using and abusing the veteran status.

I just find it hard to believe that people will go out of their way to support a cooler and not support a veteran. I just don’t understand how people think. I just don’t get why they will support someone who needs to pay for surgery for their dog but not support a veteran. Or they support some hippy so he can slack off and do his “art” work.

Oh I see why people are pledging now….for a mere $285 you get a cooler anywhere in the world. WTF!! Who is spending that much on a cooler I don’t care what it can do. That is just crazy.

I am not sure what is going through my head right now. I just don’t seem to understand some people lately.

I am tired of hearing people in DC saying they support the veteran and nothing gets done. I am sick of hearing just general people saying they support the veteran yet they turn the backs. They don’t stand up when the flag passes by in a parade, they don’t stand up when a veteran is being discriminated against, they scream at the top of their lungs saying they are red white and blue to the core. Yet these are some of the same people who will take their business overseas to save a penny. These are the same people who will buy something made in china over spending the $2 to buy the American made product.

I do everything I can to buy American made….trust me I drive the wife nuts looking for clothes that are made here. So now she don’t take me shopping she just says hear wear this. Ok, maybe it is because she knows I hate crowds and such.

We need to get pride back in the USA and forget about how to make a quick easy buck or how to save one. We need to remember the old American way. How we made things to last, how our standards exceed anyone else. How we can count on our product not to be covered in lead paint, or made by someone in a sweat shop.

We need to put a high tax on companies that send their stuff overseas to be made, we need to tax the hell out of imported stuff. Let them tax us back, I don’t care. It means then the price of their products will go up and the American made stuff will be cheaper. I don’t like this free trade bull. Why is it we important more then we export. We need that changed around.

I am a chevy fan, but I will not buy one that was made in Mexico or anywhere else. I don’t think we should bail companies out that have less than 75% of their product etc being made here in the USA.

I can do without my TV, car, cell phone, whatever it may be until they start making it here in the USA. I want to see this country get back to where we had things made here, people didn’t mess with us, and we took care of our own.

Speaking of taking care of our own. I was watching TV last night and saw this commercial about starving kids over in some land, and a bunch of celebrities were supporting it. Did they not open their own back door and see the starving, homeless, single parent, or what not right here in the USA!!!

Why do we support all these other countries with foreign aid and help them when they have a natural disaster when we are so in debt. We need to cut off the foreign aid lock up the boarders, secure and help our own people before we help others.

We need to start a campaign grass roots. USA first! Homeland is better than other land. I don’t know but we need to start here.

Oh I am still waiting for you all to help me with my first and only tattoo. I want the American flag and the pledge of allegiance on my chest. Send your design to avetwithptsd@gmail.com

I am not sure if this is my PTSD, my personality or what. It really ticks me off when someone has a job to do and they don’t do it. They slack off. What is worse is when they blow you off and tell you that they have it taken care of. When actually they don’t, it really drives me up the wall and makes me not only have to do my job but to follow up all the time to make sure they do theirs, or even worse when they don’t do it at all you have to try to make things right after the fact.

I come to work and give 100% on the job at hand. I do my best to not have down time, slack off or something. I just don’t understand how people can accept a pay check when they know they didn’t deserve the full thing because they didn’t give 100% effort they were supposed to work 8 hours and actually only spent 3 or so hours doing what they were supposed to do. Instead they would rather goof off.

Maybe it is just me, I like to have things planned out, don’t wait till the last minute to get things done. When I do something I try to give all information up front to someone. I hate it when people come back to you and say well now we need this and this, or you give them something and they wait a week to tell you it is not good enough. Why could you not tell me this 5min after you got the information?

I don’t mean to come off as someone who thinks they are always a priority, or you should drop everything you are doing and wait on me. I just think timely fashion to do things should be put in place. I have to travel away for a month come in a few days for work. This whole last minute we need this and that from me is driving me nuts.

It stresses me out! Then they want to tell me I have to change room’s right in the middle of my stay? What the hell! Get me to a hotel where I don’t have to change rooms. Why would you up root someone right in the middle of their stay? That is just crazy, and here is another tip. What adult can fit in a double bed? Not this one. I am a little taller than your average person. Let alone I need room for Hero and all his stuff, bed, toys, water and food bowl etc. Why you going to try and cram us into a small room. You knew all this when you booked the room.

I guess they don’t want me to get any sleep while I am away, because it will take me awhile to adjust where I can even attempt to sleep. Then right about the time it is semi normal to me, you go and change everything on me. That is just crazy!

I wish we had it where if you didn’t do your job and only did the minimum work or slacked off we could let you go. Instead of this whole well first you got to document this and that, and then do this, then progress up to the next step. Why not just say look you suck, you slack off, there is the door have a good day. Oh wait we can’t because people are sue crazy, and then they want this and that because you did that to them. Well if you did your job right you would still have it. Just think how productive people would be if they knew they could lose their job on any day.

Maybe it is me. I know I have very high standards for myself; I push myself to the max. I want to be the best. I get pissed off at myself when I make mistakes. I believe if you make a mistake bad things can happen. You need to do your best no matter what. No excuses for anything. Push harder when you think you can’t push any more. No such thing as you can’t do it, no such thing as you can’t achieve it. You just need to dig deeper and keep pushing until you reach that goal. When you have pushed all you can and about ready to pass out, push more. Never give into the thought you can’t make your goal. I don’t care what goal it is. Some goals you just have to push harder and longer to get.

Don’t give in!

Never give up!

Don’t stop fighting for what you want!

Most people think that if you have posttraumatic stress you are looney, don’t know anything, crazy, unstable, and a zillion other things.

They might be right when they say those things, because most people don’t spend time in our heads, don’t see us 24hours a day. They see us just for a small part of the time. They don’t see everything running around in our head. They just want to put a label on us. Everyone gets labeled at one point or time in their life; let it be good or bad. But, for some reason people think we deserve one of those bad labels. If they only knew the truth about us and what goes through our minds.

For some people they can shut their mind down and relax, I can’t do that.

For some people they can look at everything and see the good, I can’t do that.

For some people they can go outside without being nervous, I can’t do that.

Some people can go out to dinner without looking for every exit, I can’t do that.

Many people can watch a movie about a war, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can drive down the road without a care what’s around them, I can’t do that.

Lots and Lots of people can take freedom for granted, I can’t do that.

Many people don’t worry about the small things, I can’t do that.

Many people go to bed without checking their locks and making sure things are secure, I can’t do that.

Some people can drive over something in the road and not think twice, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can go to a fireworks display and enjoy it, I can’t do that.

Lots of people can hear a bang and not think anything of it, I can’t do that.

I could go on all day with this this but I think you get the point. That person you labeled crazy, unstable, etc. Well maybe they are not just like you, maybe they look at things different, maybe they have the look on their face like no one is home, if you think about it, you are right, we are unstable, because we are always on our toes, we are not home, we never made it fully back from war. Part of us may never be home again. Part of us, will always be away. I wish all of me made it home, but it didn’t.

I will say even with everything, I am proud I was given the chance to serve my great country. I signed my name to the dotted line and said this country can have my life if need be, well it only took part of my mind instead. I do my best to be ok with that.

Until you walk in the shoes of the other person why pass judgment on them? Maybe you would be the same way if you had to go through what they went through. Why not support them and help them through the rough times instead of passing judgment. There is only one person who can pass judgment and they are not here on earth. It is the heavenly father, Jesus Christ.

To the ones who are out there trying to make it in life. You are not alone.

You can get through the next minute and the next one after that.

Don’t give in. The battle in your head is nothing compared to what you went through.

Stay strong.

Don’t give up!

Keep fighting the fight!!!

Don’t let this beat you!!!!

Stand tall and be proud of everything you have done!!!

You are special, who gives a shit what others think about you!


As I walk through this valley called life I wonder to myself if I will ever make it out the other side without taking my own life. Each day is a struggle for me to try and not think about taking my own life. The pain is so deep and seems never ending. I try to think of all the good times and good things. It just seems like it is never enough to take over the bad side of things.

A few days ago I got on my knees and prayed to god to forgive me for my sins, and to help me through this pain. I told him there is no way I can handle all this stuff and all the pressure and pain. I told him I think he picked the wrong person for this mission and whatever he has in store for me. I am all out of energy. There is no way I can keep going, the tank is empty. I asked him to take me, to allow me to come to him on his own terms, to allow me to come to his kingdom. I asked him to do this before I end it on my own terms, the tank of energy is empty, I cannot take the pain, the thoughts of worthlessness, not having any self-esteem the thinking I am worthless, that people would be better without me in their life.

I am running but my legs are wearing out, I am running out of fear because if the thoughts catch me I am not sure if I can beat them back down. I think it will overwhelm me, it will consume every last little bit of hope I have.

There is no place for me to turn for help. I am tired of the medications. I am tired of talking to someone and hearing the same shit over and over. Breathing does not help. How can I manage my breathing when I can barely catch my breath, I am struggling with just trying to get enough oxygen into my body so I won’t pass out. I am struggling with trying to get the images out of my mind, let alone being able to think about slow breathing and everything else that is going on. Do these people ever try this stuff that they are spilling out? Have they experienced the flash backs, the nightmares, the waking up drenched in your own sweat, the times when you can barely see straight because the pain has taken over and all you can do is crawl up in a ball and cry and beg for it to stop. The shaking so bad you cannot do anything not even pick up a glass to help with the massive dry mouth you have, or get out of bed so your wife can sleep so you don’t wake her up.

A piece of paper on the wall don’t mean jack to me. To me it is not even worth the paper and ink used to print it out on. You hear all about these famous people in the physiatrist field. Too bad most of them are from the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. Why don’t they come up with newer stuff and stop relying on medicine. I think if this all keeps up the only thing I will be able to do is sit in a chair and drool all over myself. Can’t wait for that to happen, I am not going to let it happen. I would rather end my life with dignity then to allow that.

When I got up off my knees, I stood there and wondered if god was listing to me, if he still cared about me or was I to far gone. About 5minuts later, I felt something come over me, it was not fast, it was a slow cooling effect, yet for some reason I started to sweat out of the blue. I then started to get more energy, and the desire to keep pushing through everything. Too not give in to any temptations that may divert me from the path set before me.

To not give in.

To never give up.

To keep trying.

I didn’t feel like I was walking alone anymore.

Never give up, keep fighting, don’t get defeated.

Morning, how are we all doing?

Ok I need to get something off my chest. I am sick and tired of some of the stuff that is going on out there right now.

Do I care if Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl made it home safe? Hell no, he is a traitor and should be treated like one. No I was not their or served with him. But when you have multi people who served with him and where there come out and say this, I tend to believe them over others. Why would your father speak gibberish on the white house lawn….he didn’t shave his beard like he said he was going to yet either. I am fairly young so correct me if I am wrong. Did we ever trade 5 people for 1 ever before? Did we allow people to speak on the white house lawn before? It is total bull, if you ask me and he needs to be watched like a hawk.

The stuff going on with the VA hospitals. It is a total disgrace what they did. I think more heads should roll over this issue then the ones that already have. I say fire the whole dang cabinet of the Dept. of Veterans Affairs along with a lot of the heads that run the hospitals and benefits center. Just because they work for the federal govt does not mean they should be able to get away with this kind of action. If they worked in a pvt hospital and did this stuff they would be fired at the drop of a dime. No questions asked. We need more hospitals, clinics, doctors, etc. and we cannot get that without the funding….and well someone speaks a lot like they care about veterans yet that is all it is just flat out talk no real action. I am sick of people in DC all they do is talk, let’s have action dang it. This is just total bull, more veterans coming out of service means more veterans which means we need the support and funding to help them with all the issues coming out of the past wars and current wars.

As for the up roar in Iraq, well this is what happens when you exit something too early and don’t have the infrastructure, people, etc. in place. When someone tells you that have many years of experience running a military and others that have a background in infrastructure and such saying now is not a good time to pull out. Maybe you should listen to them and stop being an arrogant idiot. I would gladly go back there and stay as long as needed to get it set up right. As long as my hands were not tied behind my back by a bunch of political idiots. I am sorry to say, the general public don’t need to know firsthand or anything along those lines what the military is doing, who is where, or what the mission is. All they need to know is we have people here or there. They don’t need to know the units, the number of people or anything along those lines. They just need to know they are doing their job to keep America safe, period nothing more.

I think we need to stop playing political bull and go where ever we need to go to take care and knock the whole terrorist out. If this means bombing Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan etc it does not bother me. As long as we are doing everything we can to keep America safe and sound. As for Iraq well I think they owe us a lot of oil free of charge, when we go into a country and pay for everything that is not right they need to fork over some money or something. We are doing them a favor also by getting rid of the idiots that rule them. So they should be thankful for what we do.

I will write more later what really got me fired up this morning. I just got to grasp it a little better. Stay tuned.


How was everyone’s weekend?

Well it is a nice day out. Already 70 degrees outside, supposed to get up to 90degrees today. So be sure to drink lots of water even if you are in a nice cool building.

Most of you know I am a country boy through and through, like my Budweiser, NASCAR and country music. Well I was going through youtube the other day and came across a song that inspired todays post. It normally would not be my type but I like it.


So many people go through the day and take it for face value on when someone says they are ok. Nothing wrong with them, they are handling everything ok. Well here is a hint…truth is I say that a lot and 60-80% of the time it is not the truth. Inside I am screaming trying to figure everything out.

Everything rushing through my head, the thoughts the dreams, the flash backs. It is a lot to handle and take in. But this post is not about me. I want to help you all help others and so you know what to look for.

What are the signs of PTSD?


That is a good start if people don’t know what is going on with them. This just sucks going through these things alone. Having someone there to support you when you have to deal with everything makes things a lot easier.


Now comes to a very important part. Yeah we know Joe or Suzie Veteran has PTSD. What should we look for if we think they are on the ledge and going to commit suicide?

Suicide Warning Signs

Talking about suicide

Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.”

Seeking out lethal means

Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.

Preoccupation with death

Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.

No hope for the future

Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.

Self-loathing, self-hatred

Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).

Getting affairs in order

Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.

Saying goodbye

Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.

Withdrawing from others

Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.

Self-destructive behavior

Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”

Sudden sense of calm

A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.



I wish I could say this is an all-inclusive list and things to do. But there is no such thing. Don’t ever let a veteran feel alone. Be there for them through the thick and thin.

If you want to hear more music by solider hard please check his page out.


He has some good music.

Have a good day!

May god walk with you in the rough times

Well Hero is back in surgery right now. I hope this helps him feel better. He is such a trooper. He didn’t act like he was in pain or anything but the dr says his prostate was very enlarged. But didn’t feel like it was cancer which is good.
Now it is time for me to wait and wait. Till he comes back to the world after surgery.
It has been only a few months that I have had him with me but he means a lot to me. I count on him to help me and look out for me. He is my eyes and ears to make sure things are ok around us. He helps me off the ledge when I don’t want to be here.
I will keep everyone updated as much as I can.


Day two without Hero. It sucks! When I left he looked so sad like he thinks he did something wrong. I wish I could tell him that is not him. It is for the better so he can rest and get better. He is really going to hate me tomorrow but again it is for the better and hopefully he understands and not hold it against me.

I am listening to a song: Darryl Worley I just came back from a war. I am not sure if I will ever totally come back from war. I feel like I left part of me over there and will never come back. I have so much anger built up inside right now. I just want to scream until people listen. If they only knew what hell we go through what hell is playing in our heads.

You go see your buddy die two feet next to you!

You go hold your body and let him know everything is fine when he is missing limbs.

You go tell his wife and daughter that you let them down, and he didn’t make it back home.

Why the hell does this country turn its back on the VETERAN!!!!!

When was the last time you visited a memorial?

When did you last show your respect to a veteran?

When did you stand up and scream! This is not right! Treat the veteran better!

When did you tell someone to shut up as the national anthem played?

I don’t give a shit how big and bad you are. You will not talk during the national anthem!

Where did we go wrong that the soldier does not get RESECPT anymore?

We are just a pawn it seems in this game of chess.

A lot of people say they support the military! They say they walk the walk! Well time to toe that line!

Show your support! Scream at the top of your lungs! Stand for what you believe in. Who cares who is around! Who cares what people say to you. Who cares what others think!

I asked yesterday to send me pics of your flags you have hanging I only got two pics! What does that tell me? You all either didn’t read it, don’t care to honor a request? Don’t fly your flag?

I am just so frustrated with people in charge saying I didn’t know this or that was going on. Bull shit! You know what is going on; you just don’t want to admit it. What is worse looking like you don’t know jack or knowing and not doing anything about it?

People hold me accountable for every little thing I do. Can I go get sloppy drunk and drive? When I get pulled over I will use the excuse I didn’t know that. No I will still get hemmed up! My actions will still be held accountable. No excuse for anything! Standup be an adult and own up. Don’t try and brush stuff under the rug.

Give me what I deserve! Someone once told me I don’t deserve shit, and don’t deserve respect. To them I say come stand beside me in combat. I want to watch you piss your pants when shots are first fired at you. I want to see you cower. If you don’t want that, stand in front of me…I need a good target practice session.

There is no middle line here. You are either for or against the VETERAN.

You gave me the tools to go to war! Now give us the tools to bring back whatever we can from the war. We might not be able to come back totally, but give us a fighting chance. It is so hard out here you turn many ways looking for help and we get nothing.

Made fun of.

Told to man up

We are faking

Nothing wrong with us.

So on and so on.

I can dismantle an M-16 and put it back together with my eyes closed. We are trained to do that! Yet we are not trained how to handle LIFE!

Sorry I am just ranting a lot about different stuff today!

God Bless

Have a good day!

Morning, sorry I didn’t write yesterday, but it was a crazy day. Had to take Hero to the dr. He has a swollen prostate. So he is on meds and he gets fixed on Thursday. I really didn’t want to get him fixed but the dr said this would help him with that issue.

So he is staying home for the next few days or weeks to feel better and heal up. I feel so lonely without him. I didn’t realize how much I depended on him and how much he helps me out. I am on so high alert right now it is not even funny. From the simplest person walking up behind me to the noise I get startled easy. It sucks knowing he will be out of action for a period of time. Yet it is good to know that he is getting better and will be home excited to greet me at the door.

He does not act like he is in pain or sore or anything. I think he wants to act like he is strong for my benefit. He is a trooper, he is my HERO, he is my strength, and he is my light at the end of the tunnel each day when I get to go home to him and my wife. I just need to keep that in mind to help me through each day.

Well I found a med dr for now which is good since I was running out of refills. He put me on another med…Lucky me. It makes me feel so slow and groggy when I am on it. Hopefully this is only temporary while my body gets use to it. Yeah I know I am going to get a lot of comments or messages saying you don’t need medications they are only a temporary fix or something along those lines. Well right now if I was not on them I would either be in jail for killing someone, or dead myself.

I am struggling to keep my head above water right now. It is so hard to do some of the time. But like I told many others before you just got to keep trying and pick yourself up off the ground by the boot straps and keep pushing. One day it all might get better. I don’t have a lot of experience with all this stuff; I have only been going through it for 11plus years. You need to stay strong. Don’t give in. Don’t let the dark side get you. Make the ones who passed proud and live for them. You are here for a reason. No I don’t know what that reason is but you need to stay alive to figure it out. Don’t give up, one more second and things might change. One more step in the right direction no matter how small it is, just take that step. You can do it, who cares if you take one small step and get set back 1,000,000 steps you can do it. Keep pushing for that goal, keep going, and don’t ever give in. You are almost there, don’t ever give in.

Keep going!! A lot of the above was not just for others but also things that I am trying to get through this thick skull of my own. The pain is so deep right now. No one is alone in this battle. Many others go through it, not many talk about it but many are in the same spot as you are right now or they have been there. I am not the best person to say a lot of things, because there are times when I don’t practice what I preach. I am doing my best to listen to myself.

One thing that lifts me up a little bit is the American flag, it just warms my heart up. I think every house in the USA should put up flags every day of the year! Not just on some special days, but every day of the year. So do me a favor take a pic of the flags you have flying and post it here on the blog so I have a place to go look at them when I need a little boost.

I am thinking about getting the American flag tattooed over my heart. Don’t have any tatts what so ever so this will be my first and last one. Hmmm……thinking.

I have to get this off my chest.

I am not a number! I am a person!

Everywhere I go. I am looked at as a number. My driver’s license has a number on it. When I go to the bakery I have to pull a number to get served. When I go to the doctors they want my social security number, or my date of birth.

When I go out to eat (very rare) I am given a pager that has a number on it. When I was in the army they went by your social security number. When you go anywhere it is a number. When I come to work, it is a number I have an employee number. I have to make these numbers to be good at my job. If you get buried in Arlington you are found by a number system. How much you make a year is a number. How you are ranked in a draft, or school class.



If I did my self in I would be part of a number! A very high number!

22 is a high number for the number of people who kill themselves everyday due to PTSD!

When due we STOP! Looking at the numbers and start looking at the person?

When do we start treating the person? When do we stop looking at the number of people affected by something or have common things and start saying you are a person, I want to treat you this way to help you with your PTSD? Not well, 90% of people have this or that in common.

Do I look like a common person to you? No I am an American soldier! I did what most other “numbers” would not due. I served my country. I did my job. When will you do yours?

I don’t like talking politics or getting into current events. But something has gotten to  me.

Why can the federal govt say you have this many doctors to treat this many veterans. It is not enough! The NUMBERS are wrong!

Why do we have to wait months on end to see someone for care? While others that didn’t do jack shit for the country get better treatment? Or people who broke the law and are in jail get better treatment and care then a veteran?

I am a VETERAN! I demand better care! Why are others priority’s put in front of mine when it comes time to make the budget?

Why is the crack head more important than me? Why is the dead beat that never had a job in their whole life and has 12 kids get free housing and a VETERAN gets shit.

Most Veterans don’t ask for handouts, most just want to work and live their life in peace for the rest of their days. Most just want to be treated equal as others. But don’t we deserve to be treated better? Why do veterans have to beg the Washington DC for everything? Why do we always need to fight for our benefits? Why not make the ones on welfare, public aid, or whatever it is called fight for it. Why whenever there is a fight on Capitol Hill they always pull the veteran or current military into it and hold us hostage.

Here is an idea cut your own pay. Cut your own benefits. What the heck did you do to deserve this stuff?

Just like most veterans and current military you volunteered to serve. It should be an honor for you to do this. Not something you do to make money off it all.

Next time you want to send troops somewhere to fight a battle, I know a few numbers that we can send. Those numbers are yours! Don’t send others where you are not willing to go yourself.

 I am not a number!

I am not your pawn!

I am a person that deserves your respect!

I demand your attention!

I demand what was promised to me many years ago.

“To care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan.” President Abraham Lincoln.

Where is that promise at today?

Have we lost our goals and what truly matters these days?

Do drug addicts, famous stars, sports figures, congress, the president, etc. deserve it more than the veteran?


I know I said I would try to write more and I slacked off on that. I know I said a lot of things and failed.

Lately I have been feeling way down in the dumps. I have been trying to find new dr but that seems to be an uphill battle. A lot of places seem to have banker hours, you think this day and age places like dr offices and other places would at least stay open late a few days a week. Not everyone can take off on a whim and go to dr appt every week. That is a lot of time away from work, and who can afford that? Not this guy here.

Since I have taken some time off from writing here, I didn’t realize how much doing this helps. I will do my best to write more often on here.

I have been letting the small things get to me lately. They just seem to build up and set me off. It just bogs me down so much, and I worry about everything which causes things to run around my mind wild.

It just seems like I cannot get my mind to rest and not go off to the scary side. This builds so much stuff up.

I am going to be honest and dark right now. When I stopped writing, I did it because I didn’t think I was helping anyone and it didn’t seem like it was helping me. I gave up on everything around me. I slipped to a dark dark place, it was scary, I thought about just ending everything. I didn’t want to live any more. I am tired of suffering, because of my actions others have to suffer. It is just not right. I have had many thoughts but I am just to chicken to act upon it or I just too lazy to give up on myself.

It is so hard to drag myself out of bed on some days. My body is hurting so much, the joints are killing me. I am falling apart. What do I have to live for? Just to suffer more as the days go on?

I need to find goals to reach for. Things to help me drive on with life, to push forward, to go after something. Yeah I can make a bucket list of things I want to do or see before I die, but then I would put pressure on myself to get the list done by the end of the year.

Well I am going to make todays short. I might write more later on in the day.

God Bless.

Have a good weekend!


I know I have not written in a long long time. I just have been trying to get myself back on the good path. Life has thrown me a few setbacks, some of the time they are hard to overcome. They might not seem like they are much but when they start to pile up they began to weigh you down.

Yes I know I always say when life has you down pull yourself up by the boot straps and drive on with life. Well my boot straps broke for a while I pulled on them that hard. So I tried to take some time to regroup and find myself again. This has not been an easy task at all for me.

There has been a time when you feel like you have let everyone down in your life that comes into your life in one way or another. I just could not see the bright side in anything. It still is a dark place when I look out at the world but I am trying to pull myself through it all. I am not sure what caused this. It just seems like out of the middle of nowhere I got sucker punched and set back to the dark days.

I didn’t want anything to do with anyone, be near anyone or talk to anyone. I still feel this way but I am doing everything I can not to allow this to consume me anymore than it already has and take my life back little by little. It is an uphill battle for me every day.

One of the darkest times was when a friend called me and I didn’t answer the phone, turned out he was way out on the limb and he ended up taking his own life. This has totally hurt me inside. I tell everyone to be there for their friends and to answer when they call out to them for help. Here I could not even listen to my own advice and someone lost the battle. It hurts to know that I might have been able to talk him off the ledge and I didn’t. I was too selfish, I only worried about myself. I replay that time over and over in my head when I didn’t pick up the phone. I know I cannot go back and change anything all I can do is move forward and try to prevent something like this happening again.

I know I carry a lot of the blame on my own shoulders and some of you will think that is wrong. Well who else is going to take the blame? He reached out for help and no one answered the call.

It sucks!!!

Why! Why didn’t I answer that call?

Why did he give up?

We are trained to go to kill, we are trained to do everything!

But when we come home we are given a piece of paper and maybe a handshake and sent back to the “real” world.

Why don’t we get training to come back to the real world?

We are just looked down upon in the “real” world like we don’t belong.

I feel like I am just in this massive nightmare.

Why can’t I find the path, the path to the better side of life?


Well it is another weekend down. Hope everyone had a good one. Me not so much, I felt like a side show or something that someone points at and laughs and stares at.

The wife and I went out to eat this past Saturday we went to Outback Steakhouse. We tried to call ahead so we would not have to wait around so long. Well people gave the normal looks and he is so cute to Hero which is not that big of a deal just gets annoying after a while. We go in and sit down. Hero take his place under the table. We are sitting there waiting for food to come. The table next to us gets seated by the hostess, the people did not ask anything about the dog…but she said “want to see something cool, look over there and you can see a dog”. I felt so out of place, I just wanted to crawl under the table, I don’t like attention and this lady just had to bring more attention to me. It just made me feel like I didn’t belong there. I felt unwanted there.


Then comes Sunday, I am not sure if the events on Saturday made me realize it more or what. But we went to Costco, and it seemed like everyone was staring and Hero and I. I could hear people saying things as we walked by. I didn’t feel comfortable again, so my wife finished shopping and Hero and I went out to the truck to wait.

I just don’t understand, people try to talk to Hero and forget about the person holding the leash. They look right through me. They must not be able to read when they try to pet him….I am sure his vest says WORKING DOG DO NOT PET!!!

It is not just kids that do this, I would totally understand some kids don’t know better and need to be taught. But it is also grown adults who do it. How are kids supposed to learn if adults do not do the right thing?

From now on when someone tries to pet the dog, or talk to the dog. I am going to say careful he bites, or say he does not feel like talking to people today. When they say look at that dog. I am going to reply back Oh my look at that human! Or look at that fat person, or look you are missing a tooth or something. It is that amazing to see a dog? I see them almost every day and I am not talking about Hero or Lua.

I wonder if people that are blind, or deaf or other people with service dogs have the same issue.

Plus they also ask are you training him for the blind? Ok, this is not so bad but does he have a service dog in training vest on?

My scars I can hide from your sight with a shirt and jeans. Some of my wounds are still fresh and reopen every day and hurt more than you could ever imagine. People need to wake up and think. Maybe I will help them out. I am going to find a vest that say veteran service dog, or something like that. Or maybe put a tag on Hero vest that says Dysfunctional Veteran leave me alone, Take a picture it will last longer than your stare.

Remember the contest is still going on, #fightingPTSD, #Military, #PTSD, #nevergiveup so get your pics up! Be sure to Tag them. Spread the word.

Just a thought maybe I will get those tags made up and put them on Hero maybe that will help people understand.

Please do me a favor and teach someone it is not nice to stare, teach your kids how to act around a service dog.

Take one more breath, when you don’t think you can take another one.

Keep reaching for the stars.

People care no matter what you think.

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