A Veteran with PTSD

Living with PTSD

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Well it is another weekend down. Hope everyone had a good one. Me not so much, I felt like a side show or something that someone points at and laughs and stares at.

The wife and I went out to eat this past Saturday we went to Outback Steakhouse. We tried to call ahead so we would not have to wait around so long. Well people gave the normal looks and he is so cute to Hero which is not that big of a deal just gets annoying after a while. We go in and sit down. Hero take his place under the table. We are sitting there waiting for food to come. The table next to us gets seated by the hostess, the people did not ask anything about the dog…but she said “want to see something cool, look over there and you can see a dog”. I felt so out of place, I just wanted to crawl under the table, I don’t like attention and this lady just had to bring more attention to me. It just made me feel like I didn’t belong there. I felt unwanted there.


Then comes Sunday, I am not sure if the events on Saturday made me realize it more or what. But we went to Costco, and it seemed like everyone was staring and Hero and I. I could hear people saying things as we walked by. I didn’t feel comfortable again, so my wife finished shopping and Hero and I went out to the truck to wait.

I just don’t understand, people try to talk to Hero and forget about the person holding the leash. They look right through me. They must not be able to read when they try to pet him….I am sure his vest says WORKING DOG DO NOT PET!!!

It is not just kids that do this, I would totally understand some kids don’t know better and need to be taught. But it is also grown adults who do it. How are kids supposed to learn if adults do not do the right thing?

From now on when someone tries to pet the dog, or talk to the dog. I am going to say careful he bites, or say he does not feel like talking to people today. When they say look at that dog. I am going to reply back Oh my look at that human! Or look at that fat person, or look you are missing a tooth or something. It is that amazing to see a dog? I see them almost every day and I am not talking about Hero or Lua.

I wonder if people that are blind, or deaf or other people with service dogs have the same issue.

Plus they also ask are you training him for the blind? Ok, this is not so bad but does he have a service dog in training vest on?

My scars I can hide from your sight with a shirt and jeans. Some of my wounds are still fresh and reopen every day and hurt more than you could ever imagine. People need to wake up and think. Maybe I will help them out. I am going to find a vest that say veteran service dog, or something like that. Or maybe put a tag on Hero vest that says Dysfunctional Veteran leave me alone, Take a picture it will last longer than your stare.

Remember the contest is still going on, #fightingPTSD, #Military, #PTSD, #nevergiveup so get your pics up! Be sure to Tag them. Spread the word.

Just a thought maybe I will get those tags made up and put them on Hero maybe that will help people understand.

Please do me a favor and teach someone it is not nice to stare, teach your kids how to act around a service dog.

Take one more breath, when you don’t think you can take another one.

Keep reaching for the stars.

People care no matter what you think.


I well today is the first full day of spring. Just wish Mother Nature would realize this and get it right.

I have a really good reason why I have not written. Last Thursday I got sore everywhere I touched, no matter where it was on my body. It hurt so much. Well, that is what I thought until the wife told me it was not the whole body just the finger. I had an infection on my right middle finger. Well being me, and against The Wife’s will pretty much I tried to fix this issue myself, my finger was swollen, throbbing and just a mess. Being myself and against the wife better judgment I tried to fix it myself and cut it open to get the puss out. Well that didn’t work so we drove down to the ER, they cut it open got a little out and sent me home with some antibiotics. Well we had to return later that night because it got worse, so I spent a few days in the hospital and had to get surgery on my finger. They removed my finger nail and cut it open and got the infection out.

I hate hospitals; I hate them and cannot stand them. It gives me thoughts and dreams of being in Iraq, being injured and helpless. On the plus side, this time I had my good buddy Hero with me. He spent the whole time with me in the hospital. Only place he didn’t go with me was to the surgery. This is what he did while I was in surgery.


So the finger has been tender and it is a pain to type without using it. So I just wanted to give you all an update.

I know a lot of you are very computer savvy with making your own pictures or finding them. So let’s have a little competition. The prize will be bragging rights. I want you to either make your own or find one that says something about PTSD, service animals, or the military. In order to be in the running to win you have to post it on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook and use the following hash tag,

#FightingPTSD, #Military, #PTSD, #NeverGiveUp

You must use all 4 hash tags.  We will do this for one week. So next Friday is the dead line. You can submit as many as you want, whenever you want. @AvetwithPTSD The winner will be picked by me…hint the more likes, shares, etc you get the more likely it will win….so do everything you can to get it out there.

I will do my best to get back on track and writing everyday again. The more response I get from this the more drive I will have to get back on track.

I hope everyone has a good day.

God Bless.

Keep on fighting.

I didn’t hear the bell ring to give up yet.

Take one more step every time you think you can’t take another.



Sorry I have not written this year on a regular basis. I just have not been able to get into a groove of things this year. So many things have changed for me this year and still trying to get it all together.

I still have not found new doctors down in NC just yet. After the last one I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. I am at the point where I just don’t feel like it. I know I need to go to the doctors to help me, I know it will make my life better, but I just tired of going to see people.

This is a battle that I go through all the time. You just come to a point where you think it is not worth it anymore. You feel like you are wasting your time or their time and since I don’t go to the VA doctors I feel like I am wasting my money since I have to pay for it. I wish the VA would let me pick the doctor and they pick up the bill. But then again it would probably just result in the same outcome as the VA doctors and they would just be there for the money. At least when I pay for it they fake it enough where they act like they care. I know some might actually care like the last doctor I saw in PA. Ok he was just weird but we started to bond where I could open up to him. Wish he would move down here to NC. Yes, I know that is being greedy because there are other people he works with that need him.

When is spring going to get here and stay here? Last Friday was not cool; I woke up to about 4” of an icy snow mix more ice then snow. Lost power which was not cool, so work was closed and the wife didn’t have work either. So we drove back to PA to pick up our camper. It took us 1hour to go 13miles because we had to keep turning around because of trees blocking the road. But once we hit the major highway it was not too bad at all and everything cleared up once we got into Virginia.  

I made a commitment to myself that I would do everything I can to be a good husband and an amazing father. I cannot do this without working through my issues in my head. So I might not want to go to the doctors but I need to, I know it will be better for me. I know once I find a good doctor it will be worth it. It is just so hard to find a good one. I just need to do as I tell everyone else and suck it up and keep looking for one I get along with. I will look for one today and let you all know how it turns out when I go see them.

Anyone want to start a collection for me to get out of jail. Because if I get another idiot that asks me stupid questions on the first day I might be going to jail, I just feel they should be smart enough not to ask the DO NOT ASK questions on the first meeting.

1.  Did I kill someone?

2.       I know how you feel

Those are two of the major things that I hate hearing from the doctor no matter how long I have been seeing them. If they say them, I might go off on them. Maybe I should write a list so they can teach it in the schools never to say this to someone when you have them as a client.

I just don’t see how saying those things help you treat me or how it helps me. Does it really matter? I was in the military. I went to combat; I did what I needed to do to make it back home. You don’t know how I feel even if you stood next to me the whole time I was there. I can help you feel pain but it won’t be the same pain as I feel if you really want to say that.

Starting today I will not be sending links to everyone personally. I just don’t have the time to do that. If you want updates from me, you should sign up for the email to get it daily.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Keep pushing for that goal.

The next minute in life is different than the current one.

Don’t like something do something to change it.

Never give up on you!

Morning, Well it is a nice warm/cool morning but later today it is supposed to drop in temp real quick and we are supposed to get some snow freezing rain. Just don’t understand yesterday it was in the 70’s this morning it is high 50’s and by noon it will be mid to low 20’s. What is up with that?

Well it is another Monday and the start of another work week. The weekend was not  to bad got to cuddle a bit with The Wife and took Hero out to the dog park for a bit. Didn’t sleep to well this weekend was just restless. Not sure if it was from the knees being sore or what. I am going to have to find an orthopedic doctor to get some shots in the knees to help with that issue.

That is one thing that really sucks about moving, finding new doctors and trusting them and hoping they are good and you get along with them. Not just the mental doctors which is a real pain in the ass to find good ones. I swear some of them just get into that field just to hear other peoples issues, it is like they like hearing about other people’s pain and they enjoy it or something. Just finding any doctor is a pain in the rear. What do you call someone who finished last in their class in med school? A doctor…..have you ever went into someone office and wondered where they finished in their class? I think they should have a price reduction for doctors that finished lower in their class…even if it is just co-pay that I have to pay, why should they get to charge the same amount as someone who finished top in their class? In the cooperate world the top guy does not get paid the same amount as the guy who is not the best…does he? Or have the doctor’s display their grades and class rankings and such to everyone and they can choose if they want to be seen by that doctor.

Well Sunday’s race was a decent day, another Chevy won. Dale Jr. came in second. Can you tell I like Chevy? I don’t care who wins as long as it is a Chevy, but my main guy is Dale Jr. I guess I am a big old country red neck and I am proud of it. I just wish they would build and make more stuff in the USA. We need to get back to local companies. USA companies, I can’t even find many dog toys, dog bones, etc. made here in the USA. Come on really a dog bone is hard to find made in the USA, how is this possible? This is getting a little crazy. Every chance I get I try and support small business and American made products, some of the time it is really hard and it drives the wife nuts, try finding my size shoe let alone American made is impossible.

I just wish there was a way we could change this trend. I say lock up our boarders and don’t allow imported products, companies that want have their HQ here and outsource everything, well they should be charged extra and not allowed to get any tax help, bail out, etc. from the federal government unless 95% or more of their product is made in the USA. Ok that is enough political stuff for me. I hate politics they all lie and two faced sob if you ask me.

Have faith in yourself!

Think about the good times!

Take one more step if life has you down, and another after that until you reach the goal.

God Bless


Ok what is up with this….it got warm for a few days now it is back to being chilly. Man I wish it would stay warm; the joints are stiffening up again. I really should get my knees looked at again…but I don’t like the doctors so I will keep going until I can’t bare it.

I need someone to call the news for me. I am having a so so day. Sorry I have not written in the past few days. I just have been busy with work and trying to figure things out, don’t have a real clear thought lately. My mind is running around. Never mind about calling the news…they only like to report stuff when it makes someone that has PTSD look like they are faking it. Yes, I am still pissed off about that news report about a month or so ago. I wish I could figure out who did the report I would love to call them and give them a piece of my mind. No, I don’t have much to spare but it would be so worth it to show them that they need to learn about a topic that they are talking about.

I am beat. I am tired. I just want to lay down with Hero and sleep half the day away. Just wish the bosses didn’t mind if I did that. Man some people are so picky on how you work and what you do within your work day. It is hard for me to keep my eyes open right now. I think this weekend will be a long cuddle time as long as THE WIFE does not mind doing that. Even though she has a test to study for, maybe she can take study breaks and cuddle with me. We shall see if she is game for that.

If any of you are looking for companies to invest in here are a few, Gatorade…I go through about 2 cases a week. The medication I am on makes me get nasty dry mouth so I am constantly drinking Gatorade. The Kong co. Hero goes through enough balls each week that their profit should be 3times what it was now that it was last year at this time. I wish they would make better balls. They say the balls are for XL dogs. If so why do they keep breaking? Are they even still made in the USA?

Ok, sorry not many thoughts or anything here today. Just wanted to write something and let you know Hero and I are still alive.

Find a goal!

Set the goal!

Achieve that goal!



Well another day and the fight to make it through the day begins. It is chilly out this morning, what happen to the mild mornings? Man I miss them. Looks like we are in for a few cold days again, just can’t get away from the cold.

This morning I was thinking….yeah my wife would say that is scary. I was thinking what are my dreams? What do I care about, when I say that yes I care about my wife and family but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about what do I care about me, what do I appreciate? What makes me want to keep pushing to live and not listening to the thoughts of just giving in?

My dream are for people who struggle everyday like I do with PTSD every day to be able to live as close to a normal life as possible. To be able to openly talk about what is on their mind, and not have people look at them like they have 3 heads. For people to be able to speak up and get help without feeling like they are an outcast.

This is also what keeps me pushing through life. If I give up on myself and not accomplish my dream who will take my place? Who will stand up and fight these stigmatisms? Who will be there for the fellow soldier to lean on? If I give up on life, that will just allow the people who don’t understand the struggle more ammo to say, see, they are just wasting time. They are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

Many of you know I have been struggling the past few days. I have had trouble sleeping (nothing new there), I have had trouble keeping my emotions in check, the littlest thing can set me off, I have cried for no reason at all, the flash backs are worse than ever before.  But, I keep trying to pull myself up and try to keep pushing on with life. It sucks more than you could ever imagine and take a lot of energy out of you, pushing to make it the next minute without giving up on yourself.

Every time when you think you are on the better side of things you get tossed a curve ball and you are back to square one. It is hard to make it to the next day.

I am so worried right now, I am worried that I am so distant to everyone around me; I am in a dark dark dark place. I try to make it where the ones around me are appreciated and don’t feel that I am taking them for granted. But it is hard to show anyone that you care about them right now. I know I am hurting them inside by being selfish and only thinking about myself. I just can’t figure out how to get myself out of this slump. It is like I am in quick sand, the more I struggle to get out of it, the further I slip deeper into it.

I wish I could tell you the secret of getting out of this kind of thing. But, honestly I don’t know. All I do know is that one day I will get out of this and this struggle will be well worth it, the other side will be joyful and worth it.

Find a reason to live.

Remember the good times.

Don’t give up on yourself.

You came to far, the brighter days are just around the corner.

You can overcome anything that is in your way.


Well right now the cold weather is gone but it might sneak back in later this week. Hopefully if it comes back it does not stick around for too long. Sorry but I am just not a fan of the cold. Yes I know some of you enjoy the winter sports…..I think you all have issues but that is just me.

It was a great weekend my sister and her family came down on Friday night and spent Saturday with me and the wife. Nothing like seeing family to cheer you up and pick on my niece and nephew. Hey what is an uncle good for if he can’t pick on them?  Then Sunday the wife and I took the dogs to the big dog park where they had lots of fun, see Instagram for pictures. Too top it off I got to see most of the Daytona 500 thanks to a long rain delay and my driver won! That means he is almost guaranteed to make it into the championship shoot out!

Last Friday during the day was not the best day. We went out for our first potty break and you would not believe it, it started to down poor big time right as soon as we got to the grass area. So by the time we got back inside we were soaked to the bone. The funny part is we had to walk up a hill, and the rain was coming down sideways and Hero hid behind me…how is that fair? I guess he didn’t like getting water in his ears so I would not blame him. So anyways we had to go home because it was not fun sitting at work drenched.

Hopefully this week goes better than last week. Got to keep the spirits up and thinking every day is going to be better than the last. It is really hard to do some of the time, but I just don’t want to get into a funk and be more depressed than ever. Got to keep pushing forward without hope what does someone have left?

I know I have talked about hope before and will continue to mention it. It just is a really big part of dealing with life and the daily struggles with PTSD. There are times when I hope I can make it to the better times; these are the times when it is so hard to see past the next minute. It is a major struggle when you can’t control anything around you, you can’t even control your emotions and just want to lie down and never get back up. Then there are times when you hope the good times never end. These are the times you have to remember and think about during the bad times. You have to remember neither time good or bad is forever. Without the bad times we would not be able to appreciate the good times as much, but without the good times we would not be able to get through the bad times.

There are times when it seems like the bad times are here more than the good times, when you go days, weeks, even longer where you struggle for every little bit of strength to make it past the bad times. It seems like because of the nightmares, the night sweats, the anxiety, the depression, the flashbacks, etc. That there are no such things as good times, how can you get back to the good times?

My advice to anyone who is going through the valley of darkness keep thinking of the good days no matter how long ago. Keep trying to get out of that valley, the valley has a end where the light will shine no matter what you think. Don’t ever give up on yourself.

Have a good day.

God Bless.

Morning, Well it is a nice warm day out, maybe some showers later on today. I just hope today is a better day for me then yesterday.

Yesterday, I could not listen to my own advice, I could not get ahold of anything, I was a wreck. Today I am doing everything I can to pick myself up by the boot straps and make today a better day. They say if you fall off the horse get right back on and try again. Well yesterday I not only fell off the horse but was run over by the bull. Just got to keep pushing on and make it a better day.

I thought I had this stuff under control, well it flashed it ugly head and showed me that I didn’t. Guess I got to get stronger to try it again. Yes, there are days when I feel like shit and things try their best to take control, most days I can cover them up, it sucks doing that but it is just something you have to do. You cannot let it take control of you. Yesterday was one of those days that no matter how hard I tried I could not do anything and just wanted to curl up into a little ball and be left alone.

I am glad I had Hero to help me through yesterday. Just having someone by your side means a lot to someone, and makes you think that you can get through the day. I also have a loving caring wife who makes me feel special and does a lot for me. It sucks that I don’t always let her know how much I appreciate her and all she does for me.

I will be honest, I am not totally over my break down, I will keep pushing on and trying to help others so they don’t think they are alone. So they know it is ok to have bad days but you need to keep trying and pick yourself back up. The next day will be better. If it is not pick yourself back up again because the day after that might be better, and if that one is not keep repeating because one day it will get better. One day all the pain and suffering you went through will stop! It might be just for a few seconds or min but it will be worth it because you got yourself there and once you get there once you know you can do it again and again. It might not take as long to get there the next time.

The good times are worth it. Don’t give up on yourself! Don’t ever stop pushing for the next happy moment it might be right around the corner and you will not know that unless you keep pushing on. Keep going! If I can do it, so can you!

Don’t give up!

Don’t give in!

The good days are coming soon!

Stand strong in the darkness, there will be light soon!

Morning I know I said I would try to write every day, but have not been. I have been busy doing other things to try and get more attention to PTSD. This is a work in progress so not much to tell right now. But as soon as I can say something I will let you all know.

Well Hero went to the doctors yesterday. We don’t call it the V word… he don’t like that word. We get the office and check in. His first time there so had to fill out a little bit of paper work. Well they wanted to take blood and do this and that, for some reason they take him to another room to do this. Well I ask if I can go with and they say most the time the dog acts better when the owner is not around. I say ok, whatever you think is best. A few min pass….and a tech comes in and ask what the word is for No…I tell, them and start to wonder what is going on. A few more min pass and they say they could not do the things they wanted, he kept looking for me. Looks like we have a good bond and he does not like to be away from me. So he is in the room with me so we get the blood work and all his shots done. So he is up to date on everything.

After the stress from the doctors we go to a dog park that I have been meaning to take him to for a while. This is a pretty nice dog park where he can be off leash and have fun. It is nice and wide open. SO yesterday he got to play with dogs his size and run around and have fun. Bad part! The field was a mess…it is all wet from the melting snow and the lack of grass. So he got all muddy and dirty, but he did have fun so it was well worth it. I will post some pics on Instagram in a little bit.

For the past few days or week I am not sure. I just have not been feeling like myself, I am not sure if the meds are working. I am just getting the short fuse back. For instance on tues we were walking across the street and some idiot 25 or so year old made a left turn and was not paying attention to me walking across the street. So I stopped in the middle of the street and start yelling and cursing at this kid in the truck. I was about 5secs away from reaching into the truck and grabbing the kid out of it and tearing into him. I know some of you will say that it is normal because he almost hit me, but I don’t like that feeling. I need to figure out what is going on with me. This is not fair for the people around me for me to go off like this.

I just feel like my thoughts are not all put together right or clear. I just can’t put a finger on what is making me feel this way. There are times when I go off the deep end, and there are other times I just want to lay down and cry. For a while it seemed the roller coaster ride was fairly level, now we are back to the up and down hills. What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I get a hold of this whole thing? I need to figure this all out. I feel so distance from everything including myself. It just feels so weird and not right.

I don’t know what is going on! Why! Why do I have to feel this way? I just hate it! I am trying so hard to live a normal life and it seems the harder I try and the more I do to try and make it normal the more my life goes out of control.


Well today is not so bad weather wise so far. I just hope we are finally done with the snow down here. Yeah a lot of my family is still up north dealing with that stuff. Sorry about that hope it stops soon.

Not sure what is going to come out today so hold onto your britches. I think that is a saying.

Ok some of you have asked what non-profit was I talking about last week. Well it was Paws for Veterans, they can be found at http://pawsforveterans.com/

As soon as I get permission to do a few fundraisers I will let you all know. I was thinking about doing a golf event, not just some local golf course, but one of those fancy ones, I want to try and get some “big name” people there. You know the ones everyone watches on TV one way or another or something. That might take me some time to get planned out and figured out. But we shall see.

The other event I am thinking about doing is a bike ride…I want to call it “We Feel the Pain Ride”. I was thinking about making it 6plus hour bike ride on the road but have it start around 7am and have it offer breakfast, lunch and dinner. So it will last 12 plus hours total. Have it run anywhere from 300-400 miles.

So the pain is not just the pain someone feels from having PTSD but the bikers will feel the pain in the rear from the long bike ride. I don’t own a bike, and don’t ride (due to medical issues) but I hear a ride like that you will start to feel it in your rear. So bikes, cars, trucks, etc would be more then welcome to join.

I have a few other fund raiser ideas, but these two are the main ones I am thinking about right now. I don’t want to rush into any of this; I have never planned any of these events like this. So it will be a learning experience for me. I just hope I learn quickly. If any of you have done any of these types of events please send me an email with tips, hints and ideas at avetwithptsd@gmail.com

Well this one is short. I just don’t feel like writing much right now. Maybe later today I will write more. I am not sure. You all should sign up to get the emails and newsletter when I post. Just giving you an idea.

Website is: http://avetwithptsd.com

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After this morning post. I sat and really thought about some stuff.

I feel like I am not doing enough to honor not just the ones I served with who didn’t make it back home. But the ones who served before me and never made it back home and the ones who are not accounted for.

I feel like there has to be something I can do to get this out there even more. I need a louder voice, I need to show the world the truth about PTSD and how unreal it is to try and live with it.

How hard it is to live with.

To see the pain in your family’s eyes every day when they look at you because they know something is wrong and they can’t help.

Soldiers stood at their post at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, through a hurricane, through the beating of a snow storm. They did not leave there post. They stood their ground and did their job.

I need to figure out how to do my job. How to fill the gap that the government creates for our soldiers. Once you are out they don’t really care. Someone needs to be there to take them and say we are here to help you. We are here to support you! We are here to fight that battle with you. We have your back. We will stand with you through everything.

I can write all the words in the world but no one will totally understand what is going through my mind.

Why should I have to wait months on end to see a VA Dr?

When the government called my name to go serve I did not make them wait months on end. I went to where ever they sent me.

I stood my post, I did my job. Where are the ones who run this country when I was at my post?

Only 1% of the population serves this great nation in the military.

Where is the other 99% when we come back home?

It seems like only 5% of the population supports the military. The rest could give two shits about us. Where are the people screaming at the top of their lungs at the people in DC trying to get us help?

As I write this another veteran has committed suicide. Where are the news cameras covering that?

It seems like the news now days is nothing but people killing others in their own community. People breaking this or that law. People rallying for this or that cause.

Where is the rally for the Veteran!!!

Where is the news cameras when a veteran dies? They are the biggest celebrity you will ever find. Not some idiot pop star getting pulled over for drunk driving, or going back into rehab or going through their 5th divorce. Or some other country having an earthquake or what not. Who cares what athlete is being traded to another team or what metal they won.

Here is a hint NONE of that would ever be possible without the VETERAN.

Come to my house. Do an interview with me. I will show you the suffering a veteran goes through that has PTSD. You might hit me on a good day, you might hit me on a day where I will want to shove the cameras down your throat. But that is part of living with PTSD. You don’t have just good days, you don’t have bad days, and there are some days worse than others. You just taking them as they come.

Where was the parade for the Veteran who made it home safe? We have parades for people who won some trophy because they scored the most points. But not a thing for the soldier.

I guess we are not important enough for all that. Well next time you sit down to eat, drive your car, go on vacation, when you lay your head down to sleep don’t worry about some bomb being dropped on your house. It is all taken care of because of a veteran. You are free and able to do almost anything all because some men and women stood up and said I will defend this great nation.

Will you stand up and defend them when they need your help?

Will you show them support?

Will you scream at the top of your lungs and tell everyone and anyone who will listen to you that we need to be there for the Veteran? We are tired of the veteran taking the back seat and being played with like a pawn.

They deserve more help then what they are getting.

Write, email, do whatever it takes to get your voice heard if you support the Veteran!

Morning, Well the past few days have been fun. Snowing and sleet and rain and ice. Today is Valentine’s Day. What does that mean? To me not a lot it is just another day. You are supposed to love and do special things for the ones you care about the most. Why do I need a special day of the year to do that? When I do it every day at least the best I can.

What about the 22 veterans that will take their lives today because of PTSD? What about the loved ones they are leaving behind?

22 Men and women who fought for this country not losing their life in a battle field in some foreign land. But losing the unseen battle one of the worst places to have a battle. They lose the battle within their mind. No one else can see it but them. They scream out for help but no one hears them.

We are trained to go off to war and fight. To give up our lives if it is necessary, we will gladly die with honor in a foreign land. When we come home we don’t come home to a parade and open arms all the time. Some of us come home in the dark even if it is day light outside. We can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel we are still in the battle field. That no one else can see. It is a dark place and no one really understands where we are. Even the ones who suffer from it themselves don’t totally understand it.

We ask for help and a lot of the times we get pushed to the side and wait months on end to see someone to help us. Even then all they do is give drugs to pump into our bodies. Yeah it might help for a short term but it does not always help with everything. We are left alone to fight the internal fight all alone.

Someone of us give up on the fight because we cannot take the pain any more. We end up with people looking down on us as we lay in a coffin as they say, “If I only knew”, “If he only got help”, “I just don’t understand what made her do this”.

22 veterans a day end up killing themselves. There are no real numbers on how many veterans attempt suicide every day, or think about committing it every day. A lot of the times we don’t tell anyone how we are feeling, because we are afraid that people will look at us strange and they just won’t totally understand what we are going through.

Many hours and weeks are spent training us on how to go to war. But we are never trained on how to come back from war. We are handed a piece of paper and told good luck. I guess good luck is a appropriate, good luck with the battle in your head. Good luck finding a job, good luck with finding help, good luck with getting support.

We need to start spreading the word about PTSD, We need to start helping veterans. I wish I could make a video to show you the pain inside that I suffer every day to get your attention. I am not saying lets start spreading the word about PTSD tomorrow, or later today. I am talking about right now. The next person you talk to! Ask them have they supported a veteran? Will they help spread the word about PTSD?

Many of you know I want to start my own non-profit. Well I am not going to. I have been talking with a few people and have found an organization that has the same goals as me. They want to help veterans, they want to standardize PTSD service dogs. They want to help the Veteran heal without the medications. They want to stand with me at the top of the mountain and scream at the top of our longs until everyone understands how PTSD affects a soldier. They want to go to the capital and scream at the white house until they hear us and start to help veterans with PTSD better. They are like me and willing to die trying to make this! I want you to show it to every TV reporter and say why don’t you do a story about this. Why not show people doing good instead of all the bad things. Go to your congress person and say HEY I want you to support VETERANS and help them. We want action now. The more people we can get to blast this across everything and push it on the politicians the better chances of having that 22 number go down.

Honor the ones that already took their lives by showing them they didn’t die in vain. They are missed and we will not stand quietly while other veterans commit suicide.


here is the website to which I was talking about
http://pawsforveterans.com/build-our-facility.html …
more info to follow soon


Well it is Tuesday just a few more days until Friday. They are talking about a winter storm and going to get snow. What is up with this? I move south and the snow follows me. That is it; I am moving to the equator and see if this stuff follows me there. Ok not really I would not want to live anywhere outside of the United States of America.

Well another night and another dream. I feel like shit, I keep waking my poor wife up when she needs her sleep. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this stuff. Hopefully not much longer, Hero and I will be doing some training with a local company to help him help me with this issue. I hope the weather this Wednesday is not to bad where I can drive and start this training.

 Some of you might think it is just dreams, everyone has them. What makes these such a big deal? Well when you wake up sweating and shaking and terrified, some might even think that is not a big deal, there are people who wake up like that once in a while that don’t have PTSD. Ok, there is a key word there “once in a while” what about when you have these kinds of dreams 3 or so nights a week? What would you think if that 3 nights turns into 7 nights a week? What about when you wake up multiple times a night from the same dream over and over?

What would you do if you wake up and found yourself lying on the ground looking at the door in a prone position with a pretending to hold a weapon in your hand? Or you wake up from one of those dreams after only a few hours of sleep and can’t go back to sleep and this happens night after night. Yet, you still need to continue to go to work and provide food for your family. You try to push past everything that happens to you the night before and while you are at work you start to have those same thoughts come crashing through. You look around and don’t realize where you are and you have been working at the same place for years, yet you cannot figure out who anyone is. All you see are those images you can’t get out of your mind from combat.

You wake up in the middle of the night screaming in terror and your spouse wakes up and tries to calm you down. It sucks that she has to deal with this. It is not fair to her. Why should she have to put up with issues that she has nothing to do with, you try so hard to do everything and anything you can to prevent it interrupting other people’s lives, but nothing works? You think you have a solution and that turns out to be not totally right. So you keep pushing more and more to figure out what to do to prevent all of this. Where can you turn?

You spend most of your day doing anything you can to prevent the thoughts and to do your work but no matter how hard you try the thoughts come into your head. Then you get a notice that your boss wants to talk to you because your production is low, or you keep missing deadlines because you can’t keep them away long enough to get everything done. What do you tell your boss? If you tell him all that is going on will they look at you weird? Will they take a step back and look at you scared? Will they fire you since you are not up to the standards they need from you? What will you do if you lose your job? Then you start to worry even more and put more pressure on yourself to stay on task, you do everything and anything you can. But the thoughts keep coming, what is left to do?

Will people understand what you are going through? Will they take sympathy on you? Will they be there for you? Or will they run and look away from you? Maybe even they will tell you it is all in your head and get over it.

If people only understood PTSD better, I am not saying give someone a pass on things or anything at all. Or show sympathy, but if they understood it more they might be able to understand why I don’t want to talk, why I zone out, why I like to be left alone.


It is a chilly day out. I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was not too bad except for the lack of sleep, but that is nothing new and a work in progress.

I am not sure what is on my mind today. It is worn out and drained. So many new things going on in my life this year so far and still trying to grasp my mind around it all. Living in new state, new coworkers, going to be a father later on this year, so many things, I really don’t like change. Yes, I know some changes are good and must be done to move forward and improve life.

So far the new coworkers are nice and easy going. The compute to work is a lot easier, not nearly as much traffic down here as there was in PA. It does not take an hour to go a couple of miles. Which is a lot less stress on me, no one likes to sit in traffic going nowhere fast. Only issue is down here they don’t have salt plows and stuff for snow and ice. But that is not that big of a deal as of yet.

New place to live, well MY wife makes any place we are at a warm and comfortable home for me. She helps me out in so many ways. I am not sure where I would be without her. A good support system is one of the key things to that anyone needs to overcome anything in life. I am not talking about just PTSD, with someone by your side the bad times in life are easier to get through and the good times you can enjoy them more with someone with you.

Many of you have seen where I am trying to help a fellow veteran obtain a service dog for their PTSD. I wish it was not as much of an uphill battle as it is. Not just to get the funding for a dog or finding some place to train with you for the service dog. But how it seems like the federal government will not support you and stand behind you.

If I went to the VA and was extremely overweight they would not think twice about getting me a wheel chair or a scooter. Even if I was not service connected for anything at all, but when you ask for something that is “untested” it is like you are asking for the world. The VA needs revamped. They don’t have current medications you have to bend over backwards to get anything. They seem to be still back in the 60’s with the medications and treatment. You see all these commercials saying that they are on the cutting edge of this and that, I look at those commercials and wonder if I am not going to the VA but something else.

Most VA hospitals I have been to are outdated, falling apart it makes you wonder about the care you are going to get from this place. It makes you feel uneasy before you see anyone. Then when you finally get to see the Dr after waiting about 30 or so min past your scheduled appointment time you go into an exam room that looks like you were put into a time machine. The only modern thing in there is the computer that the doctor is constantly typing on. I have been to exams where the Dr has not even touched me or looked at me, for the whole 5min or so that he saw me.

Yes, I know people are going to say that the civilian doctors are the same way now days right? I just think it should not be the same. I just don’t understand this new way of medicine. It is a rush to see the next patient. Don’t dare ask a question to the dr and expect them to answer you. They will tell you to call the nurse or something. I just cannot figure this stuff out.

Well that is my grip for the day. I hope you all understand it.

If you can find it in your heart to help a veteran please go to this site and donate whatever you can and share it with all your friends.



Have a good week.

Stay warm

God bless.


Well it is a brisk day here in North Carolina. Glad I am not back north where they are getting hit with snow storm after snow storm. You all be safe and warm up there.

Well I know I have not been writing consistently like I use to I just have a lot going on right now and trying to get settled back into a groove. So pardon me while I get back into it.

I went to a new talking doctor last week. I thought it might work out but I keep thinking about it. He asked me the first vist with him if I killed anyone. That just bothers me. Was he trying to push my buttons? Was he trying to see how far and how much info he could get? Was he just being an ignorant ass? I just don’t understand why someone would ask that without getting a good report with someone.

That is like one of the worst things to ask me that get’s under my skin. I feel at that point and time it is none of his business. If I wanted him to know I would open up down the road and tell him about it all.  Was he judging me? I just don’t understand why the heck someone with his knowledge ask something like that. What’s next him saying he knows how I feel?

Will my answer change the way he treats me as a patient or as a person? Maybe I should have been rude and asked him personal things. That is something very personal to me. I am not even sure if I told MY wife the answer to that question or not. I keep things like that close and don’t ever really give a straight forward answer.

I am supposed to go back to him today, I am really thinking about not going back. I am trying to give him the benefit of the dought and give more than one meeting before I judge and see if I can work with him, but this has been eating away at me since the last time I meet with him.

Do doctors not have a code of ethics and a list of things not to touch on, on the first meeting if not things never to say to a patient with PTSD?

Sorry I am going to end this here. This is really agitating me.

Please be sure to help my fellow Army veteran if you can. He is so close to getting his service dog and could really use it. Any small donation means a lot. Please share with everyone you know. It means a lot to me and of course it would mean a lot to the veteran. Thanks




I will try to write on a more regular basis.

I hope you have a good day.

God Bless.

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