A Veteran with PTSD

Living with PTSD

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I AM AVetWithPTSD.com

I Am A Vet With PTSD,

I go through hell every day because I LOVE my country so much that I put my life on the line. Only something like 5% of Americans does that. The other 95% need to stand the heck up and support us. Show me you care about the 22 plus veterans that take their own lives every day and the thousands of others fighting to live  with PTSD. I will never give up on my country. I will never give up on my battle with PTSD. I will never give up on YOU. Keep fighting the fight! Don’t EVER give up. The question is who will be there with me? I Am AVetWithPTSD.com and so are you, stand with us.

Together We Can Save Lives #TWCSL

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Has a veteran not suffered enough?
Why must we live the rest of our lives in pain?
Some of the time I wonder if the ones that didn’t make it back got a better deal.
I live in physical pain everyday while others that do nothing their whole life live easy.
We pump our bodies full of medications just to make it out of bed to go on with life.
We take more medications to make it past lunch.
We take medications to help us eat so we don’t throw our bodies out of whack.
We take medications to help us “get a restful” night’s sleep.
The question is when don’t we take medications. I think I am at the point where I am taking meds so I can take other meds without counteracting the medications I took earlier in the day.
I should buy stocks in the pharmaceutical companies.
Shoot at this rate I should own the company’s by now.

I try to tell myself that things will get better, don’t give up hope. But it seems like I say that and I pray every day for things to get better, for things to change for the good and it never happens. Everyone says hang in there things will get better. Well my arms are getting tired from hanging in there. What is the use of hanging in there? So they can come up with a new drug that has the same side effects as the other 30 million ones out there?

I am not sure if it is just me, or if it is the meds or the PTSD. But I hold myself to a higher standard than most people hold themselves too. I expect nothing but the best from me and it seems like I fail at every turn of the coroner I make. I wish I could be able to meet my own standards, but even if I think I meet them I change them on myself.

The worst part is I have been lazy; I don’t try to meet my own standards half the time. I have just been dragging on the ground so much I am not sure if I can even pick myself up by the boot straps to even try to make anything happen.

Part of me thinks I just have given up on everything and on myself. The other part of me just thinks the other part of me is a whining crying idiot and needs to suck it up and just let life pass me by and jump on the train down the road once I get some stuff sorted out.

I just don’t understand why they keep pushing medications out then a few months or years later you see all these commercials (in between the vote for me ads) saying if you took this drug call us there is a zillion dollar fund and you might be entitled to money.

I know the drug companies do these trials with say 500 people or so and give some the medication and others not. To see the side effects of all these drugs but really is that a good enough sample size? If the FDA approved them why do we end up getting a ton of recalls on medications saying it is so risky? Do the pharmaceutical companies have the FDA in their back pocket or something? Seems kind of funny that it is approved now, then all of the sudden well it is not so great after how many lives are damaged in one way or another. Will money really bring someone back after their drug killed them?

I know supposedly the federal government has cracked down on the pharmaceutical companies and how they are all buddy buddy with the doctors. If that is the case, then why do I see a bunch of advertisements in their waiting room, in the exam room, in the hall way and everywhere you look. Why not take the money they spend on that kind of stuff and the advertisements on TV and spend it on developing the drug better. I don’t care what new drug is out there for this and that. What I do care is my doctor to have MY best interest in mind. Not what the drug rep that just left told him about their drug and how it is the next big thing.

Maybe this is just me. Maybe I am the only one who wants to see his daughter walk across the stage when she graduates high school and college. I don’t just want to be pushed there in a wheelchair and not know what is going on around me, I want to be aware and be able to jump up and down and act like a crazy fool when they call her name out.

I just don’t understand!

I want to hear your thoughts. I don’t want to hear you agree with me. Post a comment on the blog why you agree or disagree. I don’t mind people not agreeing with everything I say or do.

Just to give you all a heads up I will be starting back up the Q and A that I did every Thursday a while ago. So ask all and any questions you like. I will reply to each one of them. Even if it is to say I don’t want to reply or care to talk about that. Just so you know I am not ignoring you.

God Bless!

Stay Strong

Don’t give up the fight

Together We CAN Save Lives #TWCSL

Am I trading my future for good days now?

The meds I have been on or use or out there to help PTSD are they really worth it?

Got to love this lets start out with a med I am currently on and a lot of others are on

PAXIL:

United States, April 2011: The FDA issued label changes to the antidepressant Pexeva (Paxil), which warned that adverse reactions such as Serotonin Syndrome or Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS) like reactions may occur. Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome is a life-threatening neurological disorder, symptoms include: high fever, sweating, rigidity, blood pressure changes, confusion and coma. Source: “Pexeva (Paroxetine mesylate) tablets January 2009″, FDA, April 2011, http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/SafetyInformation/Safety-RelatedDrugLabelingChanges/ucm132702.htm.

United States, May 12, 2006: GlaxoSmithKline and the U.S. FDA warned doctors that the antidepressant Paxil increased the risk of suicide in young adults. Source: “Paxil (Paroxetine hydrochloride) Tablets and Oral Suspension” FDA MedWatch, May 12, 2006.

Women if I were you I would stop taking this drug right away. Major birth defects and so on.

Paxil Drug Studies: There have been 42 studies in nine countries (Netherlands, Iceland, Norway, United States, Finland, Canada, Denmark, United Kingdom and Sweden). These include the following (note that some studies cite more than one side effect, so the list below may not be equal to the total number of studies):

· 12 studies on Paxil causing suicidal thoughts/behaviors/risk/attempts
· 11 studies on Paxil causing birth defects
· 3 studies on Paxil causing violence
· 3 studies on Paxil causing death
· 3 studies on Paxil causing abnormal bleeding
· 1 study on Paxil causing sexual dysfunction
· 1 study on Paxil causing mania

There have been 41 drug regulatory agency warnings from seven countries (United States, United Kingdom, Canada, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, and Germany) and the European Union. These include the following (note that some warnings cite more than one side effect, so the list below may not be equal to the total number of warnings):

· 21 warnings on Paxil causing suicidal thoughts/behavior/risk
· 11 warnings on Paxil causing birth defects
· 5 warnings on Paxil causing hostility/aggression
· 4 warnings on Paxil causing anxiety
· 4 warnings on Paxil causing self-harm
· 2 warnings on Paxil causing death

Gee here I thought the medication was supposed to help not hurt you even more.

Now let’s look at the regular side effects of this drug that I am taking that is supposed to help me live a better life.

Less common: •Agitation, •chest congestion, •chest pain, •chills, •cold sweats, •confusion, •difficulty with breathing, •dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position, •fast, pounding, or irregular heartbeat or pulse, •muscle pain or weakness, •skin rash

Rare: •Absence of or decrease in body movements, •bigger, dilated, or enlarged pupils (black part of the eye), •convulsions (seizures), •difficulty with speaking, •dry mouth, •fever, •inability to move the eyes, •incomplete, sudden, or unusual body or facial movements, •increased sensitivity of the eyes to light, •poor coordination, •red or purple patches on the skin, •restlessness, •shivering, •sweating, •talking, feeling, and acting with excitement and activity you cannot control, •trembling or shaking, or twitching

There are even more side affects but I think you all get the point. Lets look at another one that I was on for years

Cymbalta

Less common: •Abnormal orgasm, •acid or sour stomach, •belching, •burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, “pins and needles”, or tingling feelings, •change in taste, •change or problem with discharge of semen, •decreased interest in sexual intercourse, •difficulty with moving, •fear, •feeling of warmth or redness of the face, neck, arms, and occasionally, upper chest, •heartburn, •inability to have or keep an erection, •indigestion, •joint pain, •longer than usual time to ejaculation of semen, •loose stools, •loss in sexual ability, desire, drive, or performance, •loss of taste, •muscle aching or cramping, •muscle pains or stiffness, •nervousness, •shakiness in the legs, arms, hands, or feet, •stomach discomfort, upset, or pain, •sudden sweating, •swollen joints, •trembling or shaking of the hands or feet

More common: •Body aches or pain, •cough, •difficulty having a bowel movement (stool), •difficulty with breathing, •dry mouth, •ear congestion, •frequent urination, •headache, •lack or loss of strength, •loss of appetite, •loss of voice, •muscle aches, •nausea, •sleepiness or unusual drowsiness, •sleeplessness, •sneezing, •sore throat, •stuffy or runny nose, •sweating increased, •trouble sleeping, •unable to sleep, •weight loss

Is it worth taking these meds? These are just two of the many I have been taking over the years.

Can someone please tell me how a medication that I am taking for PTSD is supposed to help me when one of the side effects is Hallucinations, agitation, nervousness? I thought these medications were supposed to stop that stuff not make it worse. Kind of stupid to give someone medication that increases the problem and not helps the issues don’t you think?

A lot of the times it says the max amount you are supposed to take is let’s say 90mg well I was taking 120mg daily some of the time. Are these dr trying to kill me, geeish I make it home from war and the federal government is not done with me yet I lived so let’s have the VA try and off me or the idiot drug companies that put a medication out there saying it will help but does it really? Look at the side-effects of this stuff. Which is the bigger evil?

Don’t even get me started on what it is doing to my liver, my kidneys and the rest of my internal organs. It is a scary thought to think about.

I feel like I am giving up my time down the road to have ok days now. Granted some days are great others really suck, so let’s average it out to OK days. What kind of life will I have 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 20? 30? Will I even be around and be able to do anything myself? Or will I be hooked to machines all day to stay alive, while drool is going down my chin.

Will I get to see my daughter graduate from high school? Will I get to walk her down the aisle? I am really worried that I might not even be there to see her go to her first day of school.

What did I do? Why did I sign up for the military? Is it worth it? To come back and fight for your life every day for the rest of your life, while people don’t give a rats ass!

Why won’t the government help us?

Why not spend all the money you are spending on bashing someone to get elected or re-elected on something useful and go off your morals and name or go to door to door and ask people to vote for you.

Where are the doctors at when I need them? Oh they are over doing something for another country!

Who will be there for me when I am wheel chair bound because of these “helpful medications” and I need a way to a doctor’s appointment?

Why not find a cure for this instead of pushing medications after medication on us. I wish there was a way to stop these political idiots from doing or seeing things in life that they really care about and want to do and have them suffer and wonder about their life if they will make it or not.

No one cares about the Veteran except other veterans. They only care about the military when a job needs done, when they have interest in something. Once they reach their goal or objective they could care less about us. I hate it when you see politicians speak or hand out something saying veterans support them or what not. Well I don’t support you so stop speaking for me. I think you all are a bunch of lying jokes.

Where are the movie stars coming out in droves and helping to support the veteran?

Where are the benefit concerts to help veterans?

Where are the parades to honor veterans?

Where is the TV camera, news media and so on when a Veteran commits suicide?

Where is the public outcry for the veteran in Mexico?

I wish half the talk that was done was put into action instead of totally wasting my time and giving me the run around.

God bless

Together We Can Save Lives #TWCSL

Don’t ever give up!

Keep fighting the good fight

Morning,

Well it has been a few days since I wrote. Sorry just been busy and not feeling the best. I am a little light headed and upset stomach so pardon me if I don’t make since. Wait do I ever?

Let’s see guy goes missing from a football game it makes national news. Veteran goes missing and not even the local news picks up the story….hmmm. Kind of does not make any scene but does the news ever make any scene? I just don’t understand who picks the stories to run with? What makes them pick the ones they do?

Something else I don’t understand, we lower the flag for when a president or some big shot movie star dies but we don’t lower it for a veteran that actually served for that flag. Can someone please explain to me why? Yes I know the flag would be at half-staff everyday but that does not bother me. So give me another reason than that.

Something else I don’t understand. This lady got national news because she was stupid and went to Africa to help out with the Ebola outbreak. Now she is going to sue because they made her stay in quarantined. She said she was going to self-quarantine when she got home. What happens if she did or does have it for all the people she would of come in contact with on her drive home from NJ to where ever she was from. Then you got some idiot dr on good morning America saying it was wrong for them to do this to her. That she is a medical professional and knows better. Well look at the dr in NYC hospital that has it right now fighting for his life….what did he do? Oh just went to a bowling alley and a few other places before going to the hospital for himself. Hmmm….Yeah sure they know what to do.

I don’t understand this group Dr without borders. They act like we are the only country that has DR. are we? Are all of our people in perfect health here in the USA? Even with this joke of a thing called Obama care. Come on you are going to fine someone if they don’t have health ins. You think they would get it if they could afford it. Back to this Dr without borders, thing if they want to help people why not help the American citizen open up a free clinic right next door to your place of work where you over charge people that you spend 5min with and are 45 min late seeing them for the appointment that you scheduled them for. I am sure the homeless guy would love to get a free check up and make sure he is not sick or to get the medical attention he needs.

Why is it that if we miss a dr appointment it is a crime and they charge us for it? Yet, the dr can run late all day and make you miss work and other things and it is ok. I think if the dr is going to charge me we should be able to charge them. Let’s say if the dr is more than 45min late that appointment is free or he has to pay you minimum wage or something for the time you wait for them. They act like their time is more important than yours. I just don’t understand what makes them think this.

Trust me if I am waiting your staff at the window is getting an ear full from me. I hope they turn around and give you an ear full in return. When I get to see you I will give you an ear full also. I don’t care if you don’t want to see me ever again or get pissed, I also don’t want to hear any excuse, and well I try to spend time with each patient bull why do you always rush out of the room so quick? Why not space everyone out more. Yeah I know you want to see as many people as you can….don’t give me this bull so you don’t have to wait weeks or days to see you tell me the truth you want to bill more people. You can try to sugar coat it anyway you want. I know the truth. Next time I wait for you, you will get an ear full.

As for this lady going to sue, I say go for it. Can I be on that jury pretty please I promise to keep an open mind and to hear the whole case out before I laugh? I also just want to laugh at her and say you stupid person think about your fellow Americans first next time. It is people like you sewing over stupid stuff that back up the courts so much. I say we should charge you court costs and you should also be charged with all the money spent on quarantining you should be billed to you not your insurance company.

I just don’t know what I am going to do if these joints keep hurting. I am not sure if it is a reaction to the meds or what is going on. All I know is it sucks! Meds suck, yet if I don’t take them I feel even worse. I just cannot win with this stuff. It took me a good 15min to get out of bed this morning the joints were that stiff and sore. Thought a hot shower would help a bit but that didn’t help much at all. I am not sure what I will do when I get into my 60plus they say things get worse not better. Lord help me if they get worse. Do I complain too much? Sorry if I do. I don’t mean to I am just speaking what on my mind. Maybe the joints hurt because I am not sleeping well and moving around a lot at night.

I don’t feel like these meds are helping out anymore. I am sick of changing meds during that time you feel just so terrible going from one med to the next. When you wait for one med to kick in while the other one leaves your system. It is hard on the body. I wonder what all these meds are doing to my body. What will happen to me down the road am I giving up “quality” of living down the road for semi ok living now?

I will let you all think about that last question for a bit. I will write more about that either later today or tomorrow.

God Bless

Stay Strong

Don’t give in.

Together we can save lives #TWCSL

Keep fighting PTSD

Morning,

How is everyone doing this lovely Friday?

Anyone have good plans for this weekend?

Me I was thinking about getting the Ebola virus somehow just so I can get health care since the VA seems to take forever to get medical attention to veterans.

Ok so I am not really going to do that, but it seems like that gets more attention in the last 2 days than any veteran issue has ever gotten. Let alone now we are sending good healthy troops over to some country in Africa to help. How stupid can you get? Why send good healthy people over there? So we can put them at risk to get this junk?

Why don’t we do this….many other countries have done this so what are we waiting for?

Shut down all flights to and from those countries, any country around there for that matter. Deny entry into the USA that has been to that country in the past 6 months. Make them go through a 60 day quarantine before being allowed into this country.

As for the idiots running CDC can’t figure out how to have ONE standard for what people should wear treating these people. Let’s try this on for size just common since…if you ask me.

Once people come into the hospital with signs of Ebola the people treating the patient should go to level C protection

Level C Level C protection differs from Level B in the area of equipment needed for respiratory protection. The same type of garment used for Level B protection is worn for Level C. Level C protection allows for the use of respiratory protection equipment other than SCBA. This protection includes any of the various types of air-purifying respirators. Crew members should not use this level of protection unless the specific hazardous material is known and its concentration can be measured. Level C equipment does not offer the protection needed in an oxygen deficient atmosphere.

Once it is confirmed once that the person has it. They go into an air tight room, I forget what they call the rooms, but double air lock doors, scrubbers for the air coming out of it etc. The people going into the room with the patient must dawn Level A suits.

The highest level of protection against vapors, gases, mists, and particles is Level A, which consists of a fully encapsulating chemical entry suit with a full-facepiece self-contained breathing apparatus (SCBA) or a supplied air respirator (SAR) with an escape cylinder. A crew member must also wear boots with steel toes and shanks on the outside of the suit and specially selected chemical-resistant gloves for this level of protection. The breathing apparatus is worn inside (encapsulated within) the suit. To qualify as Level A protection, an intrinsically safe two-way radio is also worn inside the suit, often incorporating voice-operated microphones and an earpiece speaker for monitoring the operations channel.

As for the people that came in contact with the person tested positive with the person, well they go into 60 day quarantine also.

As for this “Dr” in NYC running around after coming back from treating people in Africa, and not thinking he had it. Come on you are a dr. are you really that stupid? Or do you just want to expose that many people to Ebola? If this guy lives I say we take his license away where he can’t treat people if he is that stupid.

I just don’t understand why. WHY!!! Why do we have to be the ones to go help these people in Africa? Why don’t we just air drop supplies into them. I don’t see why we need to risk our soldiers’ lives to help these people. What good will come out of it? Is it worth it? If congress and the president want to send troops I say put whoever wants them there out there first. Make them lead the way for 30 or so days. If they think it is safe let them do it.

Why do we put troops or make them do things that Washington people would not do themselves. Hardly any of them served in a combat zone. None of them are willing to go outside this country or even in this country without a detail of at least 10 men to protect them. Stop being a coward! Lead from the front you …..

Ok I am getting too pissed off at the people in DC so I am going to end this post here.

God Bless!

Keep fighting the fight!

Don’t EVER give up.

Together we can save lives #TWCSL

Morning,

Another day has passed another night is gone. Same old stuff just a different day. Some of the time I feel like I am in the ground hog movie where everything just repeats itself over and over.

I am so tired, wish I could get 3hours of sleep ok ok I will even take 1 good hour of sleep. But it is time for work and time to keep pushing through life. Can’t stop now, cant on my body to figure things out while life goes on. Just need to keep pushing on with life so things don’t pile up. Can’t take it easy or have pity things need to be taken care of get done.

Why does it seem like the days go so slow and the night when you are trying to sleep seem like a blur and go by so quick. I wish it was the other way around. It would make life a lot easier. Plus I think we should work 3 days a week and get to have 4days off. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Anyone got a pair of toothpicks I can use to hold my eyes open with? Right now I am struggling to keep them open. I am nodding off every couple of seconds which makes it really hard to write.

Between the pain and the dreams I am not sure when the last time it was when I got a decent night’s sleep. I wonder if I close my eyes if I could keep writing this and get some shut eye at the same time. That would be some good multitasking would it not be?

Well I am going to end this here. Just because I keep loosing track of my thoughts.

God Bless

Keep Fighting Never Give up

Together We Can Save Lives #TWCSL

Make that one call and call a veteran today! Just to say hello

Morning,

Is it old age or is it something else?

All of my joints have been hurting for the past week or so. When I say hurting I mean it hurts to even walk. The joints feel like they are going to explode, that is how much pressure I feel in them. Is it old age…or is it one of the side effects of serving my country?

Yeah, you put wear and tear on your body like nothing when you do all the running, marching, ruck marches, so on and so forth. I am only 34 years old, should I really be feeling all of this right now?

Let’s take a look at 38 CFR 3.309; this is something you can look up, just Google it. These are DISEASES, subject to presumptive service connection.

This is the list for people who served in Vietnam and other areas where they used Agent Orange:

o AL amyloidosis
o Chloracne or other acneform disease
o Type 2 diabetes (also known as Type II diabetes mellitus or adult-onset diabetes)
o Hodgkin’s disease
o Ischemic heart disease
o All chronic B-cell leukemias
o Multiple myeloma
o Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma
o Parkinson’s disease
o Early-onset peripheral neuropathy
o Porphyria cutanea tarda
o Prostate cancer
o Respiratory cancers
o Soft-tissue sarcoma

That is just a short example. Half of this stuff they didn’t say was due to Agent Orange exposure until I want to say, around 1990, even then 4 of them were just added in the past 5 years.

Now, let’s look at 38 CFR 3.317 COMPENSATION for certain disabilities, occurring in the Persian Gulf:

(i) Became manifest either during active military, naval, or air service in the Southwest Asia theater of operations, or to a degree of 10 percent or more not later than December 31, 2016; and

(ii) By history, physical examination, and laboratory tests cannot be attributed to any known clinical diagnosis.

(2)(i) For purposes of this section, a qualifying chronic disability means a chronic disability resulting from any of the following (or any combination of the following):

(A) An undiagnosed illness;

(B) A medically unexplained chronic multi-symptom illness that is defined by a cluster of signs or symptoms, such as:

(1) Chronic fatigue syndrome;

(2) Fibromyalgia;

(3) Functional gastrointestinal disorders (excluding structural gastrointestinal diseases).

The following are just a few things that they don’t know what is wrong, but they are saying it is due to serving in the Persian Gulf area:

o Fatigue
o Signs or symptoms involving skin
o Headache
o Muscle pain
o Joint pain
o Neurologic signs and symptoms
o Neuropsychological signs or symptoms
o Signs or symptoms involving the respiratory system (upper or lower)
o Sleep disturbances
o Gastrointestinal signs or symptoms
o Cardiovascular signs or symptoms
o Abnormal weight loss
o Menstrual disorders

Then you have infectious disease, that list is just scary and crazy.

I cannot find a list with the symptoms caused by the burn pits at the moment, but I will send something out about it as soon as I do. Can’t wait to see that list.

I know when I signed up, just like many others, I wrote a check to include my life. I know, understand and am ok with that. What I am not okay with is I MADE IT BACK ALIVE!!! Now I am thinking, you didn’t do your part; you didn’t protect my fellow veterans and I enough to where we could live without pain and suffering for the rest of our lives.

Who the hell cares about compensation? At the 100% service connected rate it is roughly $3,000. Do you think that is enough for the pain and suffering? Yeah there are special this and that where you can get more, but man, that means you are really bad off.

I wish Congress and the Presidents who send people to combat would have to be on the ground just as long as the troops are. Heck, the big shot officers don’t stay in country the whole time anymore. They go back and forth from the country they are in.

I’ll tell you what, you take the pain away, including the PTSD and TBI, and you can keep the little money you give me. I make nothing compared to what the people in Washington make. Why don’t we get their pay, and they can have the compensation we get?

It is just crazy, you think you are home safe and have nothing to worry about, then they say, “We’re sorry we put you through all that and exposed you to all this junk. By the way, this or that might happen to you as well, here is a little compensation for it.”

People think that serving your country is only for as long as you were in the military, they don’t care about the whole freedom thing that they take for granted, nor do they realize the suffering that goes on, long after we come home.

God bless

Don’t give up

Together we can save lives #TWCSL

Keep pushing

Morning,

Well it is another day of work. The weekend has passed we all look forward to the next time we have off from work, to bad when you are in a combat zone there is not a lot if any at all time you have off and can let your guard down.

One thing while I was overseas that got me hot under the collar was the command would not get our mail but only 2 or 3 days a week. That really sucked because when you had a rough day out in the field and looking to come back to something from home and they didn’t get it yet really sucked. Yet, the command wanted you to go out on missions every single day. It just didn’t make since to me and still don’t, I guess that is what a shitty command does for you.

What is funny is how business back home cannot offer a veterans discount, yet they have a sign in their window or something saying that they support the military and such. Or they only offer it on certain days of the year. Man I wish I only had to go to a combat zone a couple days out of the year. What is the use of saying you support the military and brag about this and that on it? If you cannot show support all year round? You are going to say because they hire veterans. You know why a lot of places hire veterans? It is because they get a tax break for hiring veterans every year. It is not to support the veteran that is just a spin they put on it. The real reason is they get a dang tax break every year for it.

Some of you are going to also say I don’t deserve a discount. So does the company that hires a veteran do they deserve a tax break for hiring a veteran?

Well for some reason writing is a little rough today. So I will end this hear.

God Bless

Keep fighting the fight

Never give up

Together we can save lives #TWCSL

Ok, another burr under my skin.

I work near a county jail. I take Hero for a walk past it a few times a day.

Every freaking time I walk past I hear this banging. It is people trying to get attention of others on the outside so they can “talk.”

Well dang it last time I checked you were in jail for a reason.

They have visiting hours for a reason.

It is not do what you want while you are in jail. You are supposed to be punished.

If you ask me, people that get caught doing this should get an extra week and go up from there the more they do it.

And the ones on the outside should spend a week also. This is just crazy, what’s the point of them being in jail?

They should also paint the windows black. Sorry if people want to abuse the privilege of seeing the outside world, everyone shall suffer.

When I was in Iraq, I didn’t get a TV, visitation, rec time, 3 hot meals or a cot half the time.

So I say, hey you are in prison you do as I say. Want to riot? Fine with me. We shoot to kill if you disobey. We should make the prisons less cushion and more actual hard time. Beat those rocks for fun. Move that big rock over there and back. I don’t care what it is, lets hook them all together in a chain gang again.

I volunteered to serve my country.

Speaking of! Another thing has pissed me off; why the hell are we letting illegal immigrants serve in our great military as we kick out good soldiers to “down size.” The heck is up with that?

It makes me go back to my first post today. I served! I bleed! And I now come home to this shit?! You’ve got to be kidding me. What is this country coming to?

It hurts, suffering almost every day, trying to make it to the next day. Trying to deal with my PTSD or as some people like to refer to it, PTS, since they don’t want the disorder part on it. Then you look up and see what this country is becoming and it makes you wonder: Was it worth it? Why did I go and serve my country? Did I waste my time? I now suffer because of things that I saw and did and the people back home….do they actually care? Does it really matter to them?

We didn’t get treated as bad as the Vietnam veterans did when they came home. We didn’t come home to the mass gatherings and such. But there were protests; I did get spit on my very first steps outside Walter Reed Medical Center. But it was not as bad as others have faced, which I am thankful for.

I want to thank all the soldiers who came before me, who put so much on the line to let me live free.

Thank you to the ones who will come after me, for letting me stay free.

As for the ones who sit and don’t stand up and be thankful, well you’re a disgrace and I wish I could show you the exit door right out of this country. I am still trying to figure out what is worse, the ones who admit to it, the fakers who say they served or that they care. You all can just leave the country, leaving it to the good, honest, hard working, AMERICAN flag carrying, red white and blue blood pumping through our veins Americans and get the hell out! We don’t need you, and we certainly don’t want you.

It is dark out. It is raining.

I wish I got good sleep.

I think I have sinus issues, who the heck gets sinus issues when it is raining? Got post nasal drip going on, oh what fun it is. I feel like a duck, it has been raining here since last Fri if not longer, sorry can’t remember.

I think the lack of sleep makes the PTSD worse; then again the PTSD makes it where you can’t sleep. So it is a no win situation. I don’t think it is playing fair, it should not be allowed to play both sides of the fence. Can someone please teach it how to play fair and be nice?

Ok, I was just goofing around on that last part. Got to have a little humor every now and then, what is life without a good laugh once in a while? Then again if we didn’t have lows in life, how would we treasure the good times if we had nothing to compare them too. When we have a low spot in life we just need to do our best to remember the good times to help us pull through the bad ones.

I know it is easier said than done to remember the good times when you can barely think about the next second in your life. It is something I struggle with in life also, trying to think on the positive side. I wish there was something that I could say that would help you do it, but there really is not. What I can say is try different things and see which helps you out.

Let it be a picture that you carry around of a special moment, a place that just makes you smile. Or a note from that special someone that brings a smile to your face are just a few ideas. I can’t think of to many other ideas right now. So if someone has an idea please feel free to comment on http://avetwithptsd.com I actually encourage you to leave any type of comment, it sort of lets me know people are reading these things. There are times when I wonder if I should just stop posting stuff. It seems like it is the same people over and over commenting. So new people and new comments are always great to hear and see, if someone can send some sun and little less rain that would be great.

What is up with this Ebola stuff? Another one in TX!!! Why do we not shut down all the airplanes coming from Africa, and anyone from there in the past month put them in quarantine? I wonder how that photographer is doing raising funds for his medical bills. That still makes me shake my head and wonder what the heck is going on with some people.

I might make a video and go around and get pics and such of homeless veterans and such and put it up. See what people think then. Maybe not just veterans but any homeless person, there are even homeless CHILDREN!!! You think people would find a better place to donate money then to some idiots who go to a place knowing that the risk of catching a deadly virus is EXTREMELY HIGH!

It is hard for me, I love my country and would do anything for her. I go away to war. Then I come home and people act like they don’t care…

about the Veterans

about their own country

about themselves

I could go on but what is the point. I don’t want to hear it saying you all care. I asked for you to show me and you guys don’t. You can’t take 20min out of your day to make a video showing how you support a veteran and how you care. I don’t care about if you donate money. That is nothing, anyone can do that. This is really starting to tick me off. You say you don’t know how to load a video. So the smart guy that helps me out greatly with the website and everything posts something on how and still nothing.

What’s the use! This might be my last post ever. I feel like I am just talking to a wall and no one is really listening. Why should I keep banging my head against the wall? That is what it feels like to me right now.

Just go back all your excuses you want about why you support some idiot who got Ebola.

Don’t even dare give me some political bullshit either saying because of this and that you don’t do it, all that is a cop out and bullshit.

Go somewhere else and spew the bull about you support veterans and say you don’t need to prove it to anyone.

The point I am trying to get across is MONKEY SEE!!! MONKEY DO!!!

If people see you doing it maybe they will start doing it.

God Bless!

Stay Strong

Never give up.

Not sure if I will write for a while or ever again! Just ticked off right now.

Morning,

Well it is Tuesday I think. Long night with little sleep, it seems like I fall asleep right before my alarm goes off and then I miss my alarm. Which really sucks, because then I have to run around quick to make it to work on time.

Since I woke up late my mind is not working just yet. So I am not sure what is going to come out of this post or what I will say. Hope it makes since. If not oh well deal with it.

I am not sure why I have not been sleeping well; I wish I could figure this out and deal with the issue. It is hard to deal with something when you have no clue what it is.

Everyone knows that October is breast cancer awareness month. Do a lot of people know when PTSD awareness month is? It is June. I wish we could make it where June and PTSD gets as much awareness as breast cancer does. I just think there are a lot of places that say they “help” veterans, well some do. But they are so spread out and not concentrated in one area that it is hard to get an organization to devote just to PTSD. But I think we need to make people more aware of this crazy debilitating issue.

Yeah it does not take as many lives as cancer and many other diseases. But I could be wrong on this but I will go out on a limb, and say this just does not affect just the person who has PTSD it affects everyone they come in contact with. There is an end to cancer, some of the time it is good and they recover and other times it is the other side of it. With PTSD there is only one side and that is end of life. There is no real recovery from it. At least not that I have found, yeah you can manage it, but that is not a total recovery from it. You will always live with it and battle with it.

Ok, some of you will go and say you will always deal with cancer and the residuals, that is true and you have to worry about it coming back. But until the day it comes back you are free from it. You can live a normal life; you can go and do lots of things. With PTSD not so much, you try to avoid things that set you off and things that give you flash backs and reminders.

When I say it affects others around you more than cancer does, yeah having cancer is a really big strain on you and your family and friends. But it does not ALWAYS affect your daily living and life. I know there are times when my wife is stressed out and worried about me that I will make it through the day, how I will react when I get home, or when she says something or does something, how will I react to things.

I hope that little bit come across right. I am not trying to down play anything that has to do with cancer or anything like that.

I wish I knew how to get the word out about PTSD like a lot of other things do. Maybe I am a little jealous how they get noticed. I just need to figure a way to get the word out there. To do so I need everyone and anyone’s help I can get to spread the word. To get more attention and awareness about PTSD and the word out there, we need to get a united front.

22 people a day is 23 to many. Yes I know my math is off, but you all should get the point. If you have ideas please post comments on http://avetwithptsd.com

God Bless!

Stay strong!!

Keep fighting the fight!

Don’t give in!!!

Don’t ever give up!!!

Ok I have been thinking. I want to start a go fund me site to help Sgt Andrew Tahmooressi out of Mexico. Why do we need to wait for the shit heads in Washington to do something.
We can raise funds and either bride Mexico or we can go down and do a snatch and grab.
I am just sick and tired of waiting on Washington to do something right. It has been way to long for us not to take action. Or do we not give a sh!t about a real soldier and only care about traders.
Speaking of why have we not heard anything lately about that little trader? What are they waiting for? For all of to forget about him?

I want to say sorry to Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi family if anyone knows them and they don’t like this post I will take it down if they ask me too.

Just thought I would put this out there. It has been on my mind for a few days now.

WOW this just stunned the hell out of me. I just saw this.

MSN did a story on a cameraman who got EBOLA and people are sending money to him. They have raised OVER $31,000 in 3 days.

People are sharing it like crazy!

Yet when I (the person who bleed and served his country) tried to raise money for a service dog. I had to beg plead and everything.

How is it that peoples like this get this attention? It is this idiot’s fault that he went over there on his own will and choice. Yes I volunteered to serve my country; yes I knew there might have been a chance to go to war. What did this guy do to deserve all this attention? And helping? At least there are two comments on their Jeremy Reese and another one who say it how it is. But others are donating like crazy.

Oh he gave you pictures. I gave you FREEDOM!

I just can’t figure out why people donate money to the things they do.

The other day I was watching TV and some actor comes on asking to donate for some kid some other country. Just such and such a day and they will write you. Who says it is not some adult or print of something and everyone gets the same writing. Since they say the WILL write you back. Give me a break.

Look at your own country. Why not help your own people.

Why not help the ones who served.

Maybe I am just jealous that I had to struggle to get anything.

What also gets me is how the press picks up on this shit. But they don’t give two hoots about the soldiers coming back struggling. No they just try to make us out to be bad people.

I just people around the world would take care of their own issues before going outside their borders and taking care of others.

Just like this whole Middle East thing…no matter what we do they will always fight amongst each other. So I say let them. Or carpet bomb the whole dang area to take everyone out. Yeah I know people will say what about the innocent people. Well are there any that are truly innocent? The same person that sells you ice alongside the road is the same person trying to kill you at night. I am sorry I am just sick of spending our countries money on other countries problems. They don’t give us jack to repay us. Back in WWI, WWII, Korea, etc did we ever help them rebuild the stuff we blew up? No they did that on their own after, during the war. These countries have tons of money and oil why not make them pay us?

Where ever the whole Ebloa thing is going on I forget all the countries. Like them down. Whoever is there stays there until this whole thing is cleared up. Why risk our own people sending them there and when they come back they can infect more. It is not happening (well until we allowed people back from there) in our country so not our problem.

Something else that I don’t understand, maybe someone can explain. Cuba has been blocked from lots of things, trading, embargo, etc for how long? Why dictatorship? Well look at china why don’t we do that to them then? The cold war is over; the wall has been down for how long? I just don’t understand why they still have sanctions against them yet other countries don’t.

But then again I don’t really care about Cuba, just was wondering why.

I only care about this country. Once we get our country fixed then we can maybe go out and help others.

Just wanted to blow off some steam.

Hey do me a favor if you read this just put a comment saying if you agree or disagree or say I read it.

Just wondering how many people actually read this, and thinking about ending this blog since I don’t get the scene many people actually read this.

Morning,

Well yesterday sucked just didn’t feel like writing anything didn’t feel like doing anything. I just am in a funk and can’t not seem to pull myself out of it, been in this funk all week.

That is something that some people don’t understand all the time. They think if you have PTSD, you have to be down and depressed all the time. They don’t realize you can have great days, bad days, ok days, and you don’t want to be around days. Awhile back I saw a news report about the people from the world trade center events, they were pretty much saying that these firefighters or what not were lying because they have proof of them riding a jet ski or something and if they actually had PTSD that they would not be doing this.

Well let me tell you this, that is total bullshit and who ever put that report together should be fired on the spot and have to make a public apology to those people. You have to take advantage of the good days, and try to make the bad days last as little as possible.

That is the hard part, how do you handle the bad days and minimize them. Where they don’t take total control of your whole life, it is an everyday battle even on the good days you have to battle so it does not take everything over. It is always in the background trying to poke through and to get control.

Don’t ask me how you keep it from popping out, don’t ask me how you get rid of it, don’t ask me anything because I have no clue if I did I would be the most popular man around because I would know that answer and many many other things. Maybe even the meaning of life.

When you go to the “dark side” it is hard to explain. You just feel so drained, lost, empty feeling inside, there is more but I just can’t explain it and how it feels the words just seem to lack me at the moment.

It is hard to write this morning, the words are just not coming to me or something. So I might write later today or some other time. I am just going to end this one here.

God Bless!

Keep fighting the fight!

Don’t ever give up!!

You can beat this!

Stand by someone in the downtime.

Is it morning?

This week seems to be going really slow. Can’t seem to sleep right, can’t seem to wake up. Just in this daze all week. Oh what fun I am having.

Yesterday the wife asked me to watch the baby for a bit while she did some stuff. So I have been slowly trying to take the baby and what not. Well yesterday I felt so hopeless and was not sure what to do. The baby started crying like I have never seen her cry before. I tried to feed her she would not take the bottle. I tried to bounce her she still cried. I tried everything I could think of and she still cried, and for the first time I saw little tears start to appear. This made me feel so helpless…I didn’t know what to do. So the wife came and she took the bottle right away for her. Just sucks that I didn’t know what to do. Maybe she is a mommy’s girl that is why she didn’t take the bottle from me and wanted her mommy.

Have you ever felt so out of place? Like you were somewhere and didn’t belong or felt unwanted there? I normally get this feeling but a few weeks ago this feeling was worse than ever before. I don’t like crowds as it is, and to top it off I just felt so out of place and unwanted it made things worse. I just don’t understand why people invite you to something yet it seems like they go out of their way to make you feel unwanted. Sorry just had to get that off my chest.

I need your help. I cannot figure something out for the life of me. Why are we sending OUR troops over to Africa to build hospitals and what not for the Emboli break out? Don’t they have people over there that know how to build stuff? Why not stop anyone who has been to that region in the past 6 months from entering the USA? Instead of sending people there and risking their lives to build them things that they can build on their own.

I saw a commercial the other day on TV asking people to donate money for some child so they can eat. Do we even really know if this child is for real? What about the children HERE in the USA that go to bed hungry, don’t have proper medical care and so on. It is like the old sayings don’t throw rocks at a glass house when you live in one yourself.

I am sick of the USA being like a babysitter to the rest of the world. If two countries want to fight let them go at it sell popcorn and take bets to the event. If another country has issues let them figure it out and work it out. That is how they learn; we don’t need to be there to hold their hands. Does anyone ever send us people when we have a natural disaster? Or when we have issues….most other countries leave us out hanging to dry.

Why don’t we get our soldier back from Mexico before we send troops out to another country? Heck we got what I would consider a traitor back, when he was ready to come home. We really need to get our priorities straight if you ask me. We need to take care of OUR people! We need to build a strong community, a stronger everything (schooling, financial, economic etc).

I think I am done ranting for the day.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far.

God Bless

Don’t ever give up!

Keep fighting PTSD!!!

Morning,

Ever have those days where you didn’t get any real decent sleep and can’t wake up no matter what. Well I am having one of those days. I didn’t sleep well at all last night; just wish I could get a good night’s rest once in a while. Waking up in a cold sweat sucks! Ever experience that? You shiver so bad it is not even funny, it is weird that you can be sweating so bad and yet be so cold at the same time.

The past few days have not been the best day or nights. The flash backs are coming and the nightmares along with the anxiety and just that feeling like what is the point of being here. You sit and think and wonder what is the use of staying on this earth? You think you found a reason to live yet you look at it and wonder does it really matter?

So many questions go racing through your head. Yet none of them ever seem to get answered. You wonder if the pain you are going through is worth it. How many others have you put through hell with when you go off like a bottle rocket for no reason. You wonder why you are crying for no reason.

You try to take your mind off it all and do anything to stop thinking about it but the thoughts keep coming back. They don’t seem to ever stop. You look for help from god but he seems to be nowhere with an answer. You don’t want to turn to friends or family because they have enough going on in their own life and you don’t want to burden them with your issues.

I wish there was a way to turn all these thoughts off from running around in my head. Why can’t there be a on and off switch. So many different things set it off so it is so hard to try and stay away from things that set it off. Maybe I should just stay in a room with no windows and keep it dark and sound proof. Just so there is nothing that can set it off and I might get a piece full rest. But I am sure something will make me have the flashbacks.

You get so tired of taking medications every day, most the time you wonder if they actually are working you don’t feel any real change. I wish they would spend as much money as they do developing these drugs into a way to cure all this. I don’t feel the medications are a way to cure this, it is just a Band-Aid, your body gets use to the medications after a certain time, then you get to try to find another one to replace that one, and then you adjust the dosage, and repeat over and over till it is your time.

I have tried so many diff types of therapy I can’t even name them all. It is crazy, I am not sure if there is one therapy I have not tried. I really happy that some people have found a therapy that helps them deal with all their issues and to live a better life. Maybe I will go back and try some of them again. Never know something might click the second time around.

God Bless

I hope everyone has a good day.

Don’t ever give up

Keep fighting the fight.

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